a glorious mess at nautilus teachings

 

the drive up window
does not open
for 20 minutes~

this she knows

this she counts on

coffee in hand
Kleenex in the passenger seat
big sunglasses on,
she’s ready to sit
wait
cry
process
the pain
and sadness
in her life
all knowing
that the small
increments of time
will be enough
will put a smile
back upon her face
the coffee will
energize her
the sun
will cheer her
and
she
will
go
on…

another woman
finds refuge
in a corner
filled with darkness
where no-one sits
no-one hears
no-one knows
exactly where she is
what she is feeling
what she is thinking
and honestly,
they are not looking…

she’s not complaining
looking for attention
or wishing to be noticed
she is used to consoling herself
drying her own tears
licking her wounds
and stitching up
with the golden threads
of her faith
every seeping
aching deep crevice
that has been
etched upon her soul…

she wonders why
she stays
in this pain
in the shadow
of a man
who knows not
how to control himself…
what brought her here?
what keeps her here?
and why
over and over
does she pick
broken love?

a third woman
sits on the beach
in a lone chair
tilted umbrella
shading her
staring
out across
the vast
deep blue
mother ocean
wondering
what path she needs
to take
how many times
will she have to count
to ten
how many meditations
and prayers
will she need to
breathe through
before she is ready
to even think
about rising up
stepping forward
and eventually back
into the life
she had created…

it’s not that she was
ungrateful
or even upset,
as a matter of fact
she knew she was blessed
loved
treasured, even…
she knew
she was needed
wanted
supported…
but her daily lists
had gotten
the better of her
she had the kids
signed up for too many
activities
was a volunteer in
all their classrooms
and teaching sunday school
not to mention
running the home
keeping it clean
beautiful
and in some odd way
a very neat and appealing
‘mess…’
her husband
was kind and loving
always making
her giggle
when she wanted to cry
scream
or fall apart…

this moment
on the beach was a gift
and for a short time
she considered
walking straight
into the ocean
and swimming until
her body weakened
so much she would succumb
to mother ocean
and let herself
be carried
away
ebbing and flowing
until at last
landing upon
the shore
ready to stand up
and begin again…

another woman
rose up
in the wee hours
of 5am
with anxiety
already
beating out
a monotonous tune
in her chest
just so she could
have an hour or so
of me time…

she was no-one of importance
really,
and on most days
she went about life
unnoticed
unacknowledged
hardly speaking
any words
because
life itself
filled up her entirety
with enough volume
tasks to be completed
deadlines to be met
people to call
appointment to make
bills to pay
meals to cook
on a slim budget
and with the upcoming holiday
figuring out exactly how
she could manage to
fill any stockings
let alone put presents
under the tree…

as the sun began peeking
through her window
he arose
happy
smiling
gimping along
until he saw her…
she looked up
as their eyes caught
and both smiled
knowing
no matter what
they had each other
and God always provided…
he would sit with her
and calm her fears
fill her with hope
and then breeze
out the door for 12 hours
returning with
the same spirit
only this one
much more tired…
no matter what
he
believed
in
her…

the final woman
knew
she
was
socially
awkward
but when given the chance
to sit
one on one
with anyone
she was funny,
hilarious,
actually
but put her in a room
of more than one
and she
closed up
like a clam shell
her voice
wound back inside
her confidence
gone
her comfort level
plummeted to a
negative zero…
her ultimate
comfort zone
was
her + alone =heaven

she knew she was
an introvert
she thrived
on aloneness
so much so,
that it even
scared her
sometimes,
yet the calm
smooth
warming
peace
she felt
cocooned
in the safe space
she created
would always
be her

‘GO TO’

no
matter
what….
all 5 women
lived
thrived
cried
grew
fought
and blossomed
within
one woman…
how did she
manage it all?
she was
buoyed
by her faith
believed in
continual prayer
meditated
to center and calm
and believed
her
mismatched
tapestry
of a soul
was
beautiful
inside and out…
she knew
no matter what
God
had
her
back…

sound like someone
you know?
is it you?
me?
your sister?
friend?
mom?
love yourself!
never be
afraid
to say no,
walk away,
sit in silence
in your car,
on the beach
or even in
a darkened
corner
closet
bathroom…
we,
as women
not only deserve
time to ourselves
but are lacking
in
ME
time…

just embrace
the glorious mess
you are…

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