a mother’s love at nautilus teachings

teddy my love
teddy my love

Cascading sun beams
Blur the images of my
Childhood
I am running to safety-
Teddy in hand
Tears slide down
my baby cheeks
The security
Of the closet is
Within site,
Within reach
As I stretch for the
Prism glass knob
I am pulled down
BAM!
Hitting the floor over and over
Left me banging in to walls
My entire life
Searching out corners
Wishing I could be the color on the wall
Instead of a bug in a corner
Waiting to be squashed…

Walking in the early morning light
The tangerine orange sun peeking
Above the tree tops
I smell my mother
I feel her
All around me
And am awash with sadness

sheristewart-nautilus-babysky copy

In the distant a hooded elderly lady
Is walking toward me
Upon passing I see my mothers eyes
Peeking out at me
I increase my pace and realize
The depth and darkness of May
Is here
Hitting me earlier this year
That expected

Morning routines
Leave me empty
Wanting more
Needing an escape

So I sit
Here
And
Write
My
Soul
Palette
Of
A
Part of me
That was
Lost
When I
Was little

my palette
my palette

I am trying to break free
Teddy is clutched in my hands
My face is wet from tears
Eyes closed
He holds
down both of my arms
And I open my eyes
His face is so close to mine
I can smell his sweat
And see his buggers
“let me go…”
“get off…”
I try so hard,
I really do
“MOMMY…”
I hear her shoes across the wood floor
My bedroom door flies open
“Leave her alone, go to your room…”
He pops off of me
Sticks out his tongue
Smiles
And runs up the steps to his cave.

I am cradled
In my mothers love

Her arms
And safety
Now
24 years after her death
I long for her arms
To hold me
To listen
To tell me
I am good
I am safe

missing mom
missing mom

I look to the clouds
In to the blue sky
And say,
“God,
Just one more day
With her
One more time
Let me hear her laugh
And feel her arms
Let me look in to her
Big brown eyes
And see my reflection
And hear those words
‘I love you sheri lynn’
Just one more time
She is the only
Person
Who can make this go
Away
Who can save me

May looms
And hits me
Face on
So unexpected

I run across the
Sun beamed floors
In to the arms
Of softness
Teddy in hand
And know
Without my mother’s love
I would never
Have survived

And for this
I am
Thankful.

mom and me 1976
mom and me 1976