another beginning at nautilus teachings

 

‘it’s coming on Christmas…
i was missing my mother
so much
i almost couldn’t breathe…
i always miss my mother
at Christmas,
but somehow it is worse
this year
because i need her to
make me some Cocoa
and tell me
that
everything
that’s going badly
in my life
is going to sort itself out…’

my mom
just always knew…
she would softly say,
‘sher, dearheart…’
then she would brush
my long stringy hair
behind my ears
and i would melt
into her soft shoulders
sobbing,
whether i was 5 or
until i was 25,
when she died…
she would wrap me in
a warm hug
dry my tears
and say,
‘let’s go for a drive…’
sun, snow, warm, cold
the top was down,
the music was loud
her brown eyes twinkled
and her lips
curved up
in a soft smile…
i would close my eyes
cry
scream
sing
laugh
and always, always, always
hold her hand tight
when i could…
moms
just
know…

over the past
two weeks
i have heard from
and seen many
parents, kids and ladies
who painted with me
over the past 10 years…
the kids smile and wave
the parents hug me
and the ladies
stop me,
acknowledge
they know
i will not be personally
posting paint nights
and every one of them
pretty much says
a version of the same
things,
‘i know. ‘
‘no problem.’
‘i’m good.’
‘time for a break, anyway.’
i always leave
sad.
when i climb into my car
i grab my kleenex box
and begin
again,
saying goodbye
to faces i love…


d says,
it normal to be sad
and he also says,
‘don’t worry,
everything will be ok, love…
i have your back…’
but what i really need
right this minute
is my mom…
i have so much to tell her
so much i want to share
so many questions
i want to ask her
most importantly,
‘mom,
how do i find my way?’
my mom never seemed lost.
i saw her in heart pain
love pain
life pain
mom pain
but she was always
buoyant
through her faith…
always was on her knees
with her hands on those
giant gold painted
praying hands,
eyes closed,
tears streaming down her cheeks
talking to God.
when she was finished
she would pop open her eyes
smile and me
and say,
‘time for a coffee, lemonade, glass of wine…’
and together we would sit
in silence
knowing
no
matter
what
we always had each other…
i have two grown daughters
i miss
and love so much.
their lives are just
screaming by
and i am not a part of them.
oh, sure
we text and talk.
we see each other
at least once a year
but it’s not the same
as being there
every day
like i was
with my mom…

“people are always saying
that change is a good thing,
but what they are really saying
is something that you
didn’t want to happen
will happen…
soon we will just be a memory.
the truth is,
i’m heartbroken.
i feel as if a part of me
has died.
as if my mother
had died all over again…”

today we started hanging
the outdoor Christmas lights
and for a tiny moment
i was happy
smiling
singing
holiday carols…
but then darkness hit
and sadness
encompassed me again…
i know
this too
shall pass.
i know change
takes time.
every day i rise
i get to see
our grandson,
i get to play with my dogs,
i get to write and paint,
i get to
i get to
i get to…
simply, begin
again.

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