break yourself open

let go
let go

As I reread my words
I am thrown back to guilt.
Shame and filth.
I never felT wanted.
I felt like a burden
I also feel warmth.
The love
and closeness of my mother
who I loved
so so much.
I feel empty.
Like a part of me
was never fully developed.

nourish2
I also feel
grace and light from God.
The memory of HIM
cradling me so very often.
Of HIS
sending whimsical images
full of brilliant color
to surround and encompass me
filling me with a deep faith, grace
and the assurance
that I was not evil.
A knowing
that I was here
to color this world.
My mother was the only person
who accepted this about me
or encouraged it openly.
to others
I was a disappointment-
I was not a boy ,
I was not driven,
I was not to be
a student of math or sciences or even logic.
“UNACCEPTABLE!
You will not go to art school,
you cannot make a living with art.
You will go
to the school I pick
and major in business ,,,”
How these words
echo across my soul
and reverberate
throughout my entire being
they were my core-
my belief –
the knowledge
that this is who I was,
worthless ,
untalented ,
lazy,
and not accepted or loved.
That I must NOT
be THE someone
my soul screamed I was.

My heart + His heart=love
My heart + His heart=love

My veins bled color.
My writing
the words of my truths.
I was to deny it all.
I was to succumb
to the orders given,
the demands-
I was already rejected
by most
and to embrace individuality and originality
meant cutting the ties
that bound me to my parents.
IMPOSSIBLE
for I loved my broken,
tired,
beautiful,
giving,
loving
mother.
I would not deny her
or turn against her.
Thus I walked a path
unknown to my entirety
landing repeatedly
within the sweating,
slimy,
grasping,
suffocating,
demanding hands
of demonic torture
to who Sheri was.
I bobbed and sank,
tossed and tipped
side to side
amongst the yearnings
to live true
and the demand,
the expectation
to be someone
I did not want to be.
for most of my life
i followed
the rules
always finding spaces
to create
to bring color to…
art never left my soul
God always kept me safe
and when i hit 41
and broke free
i started down
God’s chosen path
and landed where I am today
secure
safe
loved
happy
accepted
and
very
very
very
strong
for now
with God only as my Nautilus
my center
I am free to
give back
and help others
find their balance too.

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