christmas is missing at nautilus teachings

 

images-1

christmas is missing.
i have never misplaced it before
but this year
i watch the movies
i decorate the tree
i hang the stockings
but inside
i am empty…
my husband does not shop
my kids all live away
and the boys
look good with their
red bandanas
but all they really need
is love
and a new bone, ball or toy…
there is no baking
because i cannot eat gluten
and doc does not eat
cakes, cookies etc
i grew up on my mothers
incredible edible baking
raised my kids the same way
every year we would spend
two days baking and decorating
cookies, bars, cinnamon buns and breads
making plates with peppermints
garnishing our goodies
put on our Santa hats
and deliver between 8-12 plates
to our friends home
top down
christmas music blaring
laughing, smiling
being a family…

images
we still are a family
but i am at the first stage
of separation
FINALLY!!!
i did not have the empty nest syndrome
i enjoyed walking
around the house naked
not having to pick up after anyone
setting my own schedule
indulging in meditations twice a day
and early morning run and yoga
i took it all in stride
i was strong…
or so i thought i was
then this year hit
and this hollow
calm enveloped me
i am trying to get in the holiday spirit
my saturdays with the kids creating
helps a lot
watching familiar movies
like, elf, christmas vacation, santa claus…
to name a few of the 100 or so
i am trying to sit still and concentrate on
i have to put my phone away
turn off the lights
and still myself
but i am restless inside
it’s not about no gifts
or empty stockings
or no cinnamon buns
it’s about me
witnessing every wednesday
when i am with mom
people who have lost themselves
to age

images-2
they wander the hall
take tons of naps
wet themselves
can’t hear a word you say
and are all
just left
sitting
in a room
together
all day
with the television on
a half lit tree
and no jolly
it looks like christmas inside
the decorations are ok
but their spirits
which once were full
are now so tiny
you can hardly see them…
this breaks my heart
it is hard to go there
but i go there
because of love…
christmas isn’t visibly missing
it’s in every store
i stopped at Hallmark today
for some cards for the kids
to send their money in
and as i was looking for just
the right card
i thought to myself
why don’t they have cards
for adult kids who have been
little shits this year

IMG_9185

i asked the ladies at the counter this
and they all giggled so hard
i thought
“i wonder if they are wetting
their depends…”
OMG!
what is wrong with me…
upon arriving home
i begin my gratitude journal,
listing the following :
health
life
doc
paint
words
kids
lights
calm
faith
i click save
and what comes up?
an older post reminding me
what i was grateful for on a certain day
JULY 20TH OF 2012
this is the day my mom died 25 years ago
thank you God for keeping her safe
until one day i get to hold her again…
the tears begin to flow
and soon i am sobbing
i love Christmas
the whole Christmas season
from the grinch, to charlie brown
to the reason for the season
the birth of baby Jesus…
the boys are staring at me
the candle light is beautiful
the tree is magnificent
i walk over to it
and grasp my one ornament
which was my mothers
“Merry Christmas mom,”
i whisper
then i turn and begin singing,
“Silent night…”
well,
you know what they say?
that miss Sheri’s heart,
grew
three sizes
that day!

FCC-Grinch-New-Heart

2 Comments

  1. christine

    sometimes it’s just that….slow to warm towards Christmas. Then you find that one ornament, that one picture, hear that song and it happens like magic! Christmas is back in your heart.
    Mine came this year when my daughter asked for the ornaments I collected for her over the years. I said good bye to each….sadness in a way but more happiness that she is in a good place right now.
    Another good read. Thank You!!

  2. Pam

    Maybe you should spend a couple of days listening to music, baking and packing it up to mail to the kids .. Keeping with your tradition only this time they’re not here to do it with you but certainly will appreciate the surprise when they receive it. And a tray to the nursing home too! It may cheer you.

Comments are closed.