connection at nautilus teachings

 

 

my mom and dad
are both sitting at
my mothers table…
it is early on a saturday,
in the late 1970’s…
my dad,
coffee cup in hand
looking a bit tired
with his one lazy
big brown eye.
he gently
tap, tap, taps his
mug onto the
glossy wooden table…
my mother,
who’s coffee is pitch black
compared to my
dad’s sugar and creamed one
sits still,
her eyes are cast downward
as she gracefully rubs
the soft wood of
her table-
the one she bought
with her own money…
“well, sher…
you know,”
my father takes a long pause
he never does
anything fast,
“God will never give you
more than you can handle.
you need to see the message
in what is going on in your life
you need to talk to God
and then be patient…”
my mother is nodding her head
in agreement
she reaches for his hand
and i can see the quiet
strong
undeniable love
and commitment
they have for one another…
my mother begins to speak
“you know, sher, when we moved here,
and left our home
i was scared.
i had no friends
or family
besides you guys…
but every time i prayed
God answered.
first i got this job
as a secretary
and within 2 years
i was area executive director
of nine counties…
prayer is powerful
dearheart…
God may have ended
one path i was on
but oh how wonderful
this new one is…”
this one memory
still gives me strength
because i know
without God
and my faith,
i
am
nothing.
this is how i was raised.
my parents were imperfect
just like everyone else’s
they had their own struggles
and my two brothers
were hellions
causing severe pain
and hardship to them both
yet,
they never
ever
gave up…
every sunday
we went to church
every day
we prayed
blessing over our food
guidance for our life
cried when we suffered
shouted praises
in good times
but no matter what
we never had more than we could handle
because we had each other…


my mom
and i
were
peas in a pod
and best friends
we did everything
together.
my dad,
once mom found
her voice
wings
and direction,
did pretty much
whatever she said…
the last 2 years
with two hurricanes
my husbands three surgeries
and his forth upcoming,
his mom failing
and now in a nursing home,
my tiny studio
struggling to get
even 5 people
twice a month
in to paint
and helping 5 adult children
navigate various challenges
and celebrations
has been challenging.
YES,
i know how blessed
we are to have not lost
our lives or anything
irreplaceable…
i am thankful
everyone has a job
no one is in jail
or addicted to anything
and i am filled with gratitude
that they all like d and i
and God gifted us
an adorable grandson…
i may be human,
but i am not
stupid…
God has been roaring at me
and i have been listening
but with all the haps
in an ordinary life
i have not taken the time
to listen enough
to open my eyes
and see
what He is trying to tell me…
and then
one day,
the
word~

CONNECTION

plain and simple
it falls from d’s lips
one night
as wiggles his fingers
toward me
and says,
“i just want to connect with you…”
of course i get all
agitated
because in 11 years of marriage
he has never said this,
so of course my pea brain
immediately wanders to,
‘who the F has he been talking to…
that B, i will cut her…’
of course,
now
we joke about
how i overreacted at the time
and we now do our little
finger wiggling connectivity
as joke all the time
both of us ending up giggling…
but in that moment
a time when
i was frazzled
exhausted
and uninspired
when
God was
yelling at me
“hey idiot
it’s about connection…”
i failed Him
i failed d
and i failed me…


a few weeks of sulking
and rolling it all
over and over in my mind
i had a dream
that i was sitting on the steps
across from God
and He said,
“so, sher,
you already know,
i will never give you more
than you can handle,
you know i will close
one door
and open another,
you know i will rip you
from your comfort zone
and your ruts
to wake you up
and grow you
so why now
are you questioning
my word?”
i remember looking
at Him
feeling remorseful
and in need of forgiveness
but instead
i stood tall,
for He taught me
recently
i am no longer small…
i rose up
smiled
and said,
“life is all about
connections, God.
this year i will dedicate
putting this first
and
everything else,
including money,
last…”
I remember feeling a huge hug
i remember feeling forgiven
but mostly
i
connected
with
God
and really
that is the simplicity
of what my parents
were teaching me
my entire life…
go slow
be patient
pray
and
know
God
will never
let
you
down…