depression at nautilus teachings

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he didn’t show.
you knew he was lost
you knew he was in pain
you kept texting him
you prayed for him
but
he
did
not
show…
the garage was open
the invitation
not just extended
to him
but accepted
by him…
but the fact
was
you knew
in your gut
he would not come
that his illusive nature
would take over
his close to the vest
personality
the,
“i know i am failing life”
persona
would
win…
but you still wait
because the sun is awake
darkness
has not encompassed
the earth…
you put on the christmas lights
pour yourself a drink
and sit
waiting
for him
upon your front porch chaise…
soup in the crock
in case he is hungry
empty glass
for his drink
but
he
won’t
show…
in your heart you knew this
but you brain
wished otherwise.
at this very moment
he is suffering
a break
he is wrestling
with memory
of death
of his spouse
the gift
of accepting
new love
fighting the urge
to stay away
from work
and one by one
people
are beginning
to cut him off…

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it’s not that they don’t care
or love him,
it’s that
life must go on
and his depression
sadness
lack of energy
is bringing them down…
so they turn their backs
walk away
say things like,
“i can’t do this with him…
he needs help, more than
i can give…”
so he screams
in a big house
alone
in the darkness
surrounded
by memory
as everyone else
laughs
loves
lives…
he curls up
with another
pill
one more drink
puts his phone on silence
and
turns
off
the
world…
what do you do?????
you pop in.
you call.
you text.
you bring food.
you hold.
you sit.
you listen…
you do whatever it takes
because
you love him
and you know
if it was you,
he would do the same…
the sun is getting low
you get in your car
and you drive
to his house-
soup in hand
ready to wrap him up
in a bear hug…
but the house is dark
he does not answer
his dogs bark
and then,
you worry…
“what if he…”
you grab the key
to his house
he gave you
and unlock
the door…
you enter
call his name
and
nothing…
just still
empty
blackness
you walk around
searching for him
knowing he is in pain
lost
floundering
in a sea of
“i don’t know what to do,
or how to go on…”

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shoes.
you see his shoes
under the desk
so you turn around
put on the soft light
and see him
curled up
crying…
“go away…
leave me alone…
i want to die…
just let me, please…”
what do you do?
you lie down next to him
take his hand
and cry
with him…
this is what friendship is-
it is the understanding
the acceptance
the forgiveness
of everything…
it is being there
all the time
but especially
when they check out
of life…
you are their life vest
you sustain their buoyancy
you breathe into them hope…
we all fail
at times
we are all weak
and break…
this time,
it was unexpected
for you truly thought
he was good!
happy!
in love again!
so
you no longer wait
to see him,
you place him
his life
his happiness
above all else
knowing
one day soon
he will smile again
pop over for a titos
and argue
about sports
politics
food
life…
kindness matters
people are worth
the effort
we do heal…
it’s just some of us
heal slower than others
and it is ok
to not to be ok,
just never give up
on them
never walk away
for you
truly
may be
their only hope…

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