falling into fatigue at nautilus teachings

 

it was dark
very dark
at 6pm
the rain
intermittent
softly
gracing the green graces,
my fear
of flooding
had subsided,
the work
at the studio
and d’s office
was finally complete,
the dogs
snoozing at my feet
as i fell into
my fatigue…

for the first time
in so long,
i showered
at 5 and
let
exhaustion
come to me
without
resistance,
without
my brain
firing off a list
of what i still
needed to do
and for the first time
in so very long
without worry
or stress…

for a brief second
a dimly lit neon sign
flickered on
and proposed the question
‘are you missing anything, sheri?’
this made me
feel like melting
and becoming one
with my sofa…
my fingers
were tingling
my body
completely relaxed
pieces of me
aching,
yet for the most part
i was good
with becoming
melted butter
in the palm of
God’s hand…

i knew
the emptiness i felt
leaving my
scheduled paint nights
behind
would soon pass…
i
felt
complete,
nothing appeared to be lacking
so why
was
i feeling sad?
ready to burst
into tears
the next time
i saw a familiar
friend who painted with me
for so long?

nostalgia…
if there is one thing
this ole’ artsy fartsy
midwestern chick is,
is a keeper
a holder
of memories
scents
colors
and feelings
i hold close
no matter how long
it has been
since i have seen
hugged
smiled with
a person
who’s friendship
i cherish
who has graced my life
with their presence
and forever left
an imprint upon
my soul…

was painting
twice a month
such a big deal?
YES,
for me
it was.
the gathering of
amazing
intelligent
creative
beautiful
women
brushing paint
side by side
sharing wine
stories
glances
giggling
and encouragement…

‘wow, that looks terrific…’
‘i love what you’ve done
blending those colors,
and the dots…
well, they bring it all together…’
i loved seeing the smiles,
knowing you went home
relaxed
with a painting
you,
yourself
built memories around…

right now,
my knees
and hips ache…
i have been spending
too much time on the floor
with our grandson…
being down is easy,
it’s the getting up
that is difficult…
sometimes giving in
does not mean giving up
i was given the gift today
of finishing my day an hour early
and this is how i ended up
falling into my fatigue.
my phone dings with a text
then it bings with a message
and finally ,
yes,
it rings…
curiosity does not get
the better of me
i mute my phone
plug it in another room to charge
and make a choice
to just do
ME
right now…
darkness
encompasses
me
i sit
in the light of the tv
the voices of a show
i love
yet i cannot wake myself
enough to pay attention to
because life and
reality calls
i know God is pushing me
wayyyyyy out of my comfort zone
i know changes are occurring
i know i trust HIM
but there is still
this tiny girl
inside me
that just wants
to run back to my corner
and hide
with wise old mr hawksbill
fancy finns and all my fish friends…
when i became alice
in august
i kinda left them all behind
they were my security
my safety
my guides to my hidden
healing
colorful world…
fatigue hits me hard
emotions overwhelm me
i close my eyes
take a deep breath
and as the tears begin
to roll down my cheeks
i hear a tiny voice
speaking
every so softly
‘now, sher…
now is the time
to fly…’