finding my palette at nautilus teachings

see me
see me

1960‘s-Some days I feel as if I am walking through someone else’s life. My steps of timidity reflect the cautious treading of my small feet through the tumultuous, raging midnight waters of my childhood. The colors become dreamlike. I see myself slowly moving alongside what I have come to know as my earthly being. I can stand outside the car window, peer in and see my watered down “self.” What a feeling of displacement I live with each time this happens. Are there two of me existing at the same time on different levels? Do I carry with me the soul of another I have yet to meet? I look to heaven and ask God to cleanse me of the images which race through my head and cause my heart to stir like the rapid movements of a cyclone.
Today I had a vision
Of sailing over blue
God’s letting me shine
Oh why oh why can’t you
Instead all I do is tumble
Down steps of wooden red
I don’t know what you are thinking
I guess you want me dead
Throwing nasty words
Upon me every day
Can’t you see they hurt me
I wish you’d go away
Do you think each time you sit
Upon my tiny chest
And drip your yucky spit
That you rule above the rest
Each day I will grow more
And one day I will be
Standing right beside you
The world for me to see
Knowing that we come from
The same genetics leaves me sad
How can I feel so full of grace
And you carry so much bad
Today I had vision
Of sailing over blue
God’s letting me shine
Oh why
oh why
can’t you?
Studio-2007-Snapping back to the studio, I throw the paint onto the dark night wave of death and breathe the air of possibilities through hues of blue. A face emerges on the arched inner side of my tall wave. I feel my chest rise and fall with each new caress of air flowing from the canvas to my heart.
It is me
I am drowning
in self pity, shame
and low self worth
The words of demons past
echo against
the solid white background
and splatter fragments
of memories
which illicit tenderness and safety
The droplets are my mother’s love
her arms which hold me
and her words which comfort me.
I slide back from the wall which holds the canvas and there is peace beaming from within me. This tremor which has been causing a fault line amongst my daily comings and goings has now been filled with frosted cement, for I do not feel the weight of burden, but the satisfaction of completion and release. The enveloping darkness of suffocation is gently pulled from me. Tenderly I am cradled, the palette of my soul breathing back life.

i get to be ....
i get to be ….