finding ourself at nautilus teachings

who am i
who am i

“who the fuck
Do
YOU
Think
YOU
Are
Bitch?
Get the fuck
Up
And
Make
Me
A
Drink…”

(laughing)
“seriously,
Sher,
Are you kidding me
This is NEVER
Going to happen…
YOU
CANNOT
MAKE
A
LIVING
WITH
ART
YOU
WILL GO TO THE SCHOOL
I PICK
AND
YOU WILL MAJOR IN BUSINESS
OR
I
WILL
NOT
PAY…

You’re
Ugly
You smell
You
Were adopted
Hahahaha
Harriet cooper
Eats her pooper…

“It’s a girl…
(sobbing)
Oh God, thank you
For my daughter…”
(whispering in babies ear)
“Mommy promises to protect you dearheart…”

time to be reborn
time to be reborn

I was born
Backwards
Left handed
I was pulled
From
The womb
Of protection
And thrust
Into
A
World
Of
Broken souls…

My mother loved me
My mother protected me
The best she could
This I know
But her world was small
It was ruled
My mother cooked, cleaned, sewed –
All the typical activities of a 1960’s housewife
She smoked cigarettes
And drank Gin and tonics
She wore bright red lipstick
Put kleenex on her hair every night to protect it
And obeyed…

She was known at the “sun-Tanned” P.T.A. President,
Den Mother,
Volunteer,
Fundraiser,
Sunday school teacher,
Friend,
Sister,
Pee wee football concessions stand manager
To name a few.
Her hands, were always busy-
Knitting
Sewing,
Baking,
Creating
And ironing underwear…

Inside
Her colors were bursting to be released
She was a dreamer
A wanderer
A traveler
Her feet wanted to run
Her soul wanted to sing
Her brain wanted to learn
She wanted to work
He said NO…

a mothers love
a mothers love

This was my world
So
I
Became
My
Mother
I obeyed
I
Did as I was told
I
Did not question
And
I never
Ever
Reached
For my
Dreams…
I
Lived and breathed in
the
Cornered silence
Of my youth…

And
Then
She
Died…
And
With
Her
Went
My
Heart…

I rebelled
Divorced
Then
Married
A
Drug addicted
Verbally abusive
Cross-dressing
Bar tender

After all
Weren’t men
Supposed to be this way?
i had grown up the brunt of
abuse, witnessed it
saw the destruction,
felt the pain..
So I needed to be abused
In order to breathe…

15 years pass
Two beautiful daughters later
My eyes open
And I scream
As loud as I can

“WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
WAS I A MISTAKE?
I WANT TO LIVE
I WANT TO SMILE
I WANT TO LOVE
I WANT TO WRITE
I WANT TO PAINT
I WANT SHERI TO BE BORN….”

And so I was
In 2005

What I gave up over 45 years
Was
Independence
Freedom
Expression
Art school
Traveling
My voice…

I hit the ground running
I filed for divorce-again
Hired a bounty hunter
I put my house on the market
Signed up for night classes
Held my kids as close as I could
And then
Out of nowhere-ZAP!
Red jeep
Blonde hair
Freckles
Strong body…

my breath
my breath

I fell into him
Like
A sail catching the morning breeze
From his love
His acceptance
I grew
Stronger
I found
My wings
I spoke
My words
I
Painted
My soul
And
I wept
For
The life
I had lived
The life
I had
Lost
The mother
I loved
And the
Family
I would
Never
Be
Attached to
Again…

10
Years
Have passed
Since
I
Started
To
Unfurl…
Accepting
My past
Made
Me
Stronger
Finding
My independence
As a woman
Filled my soul
With fire
Which allowed
Me to express
In
Writing
And
Painting
That
Which makes
Me
Who
I
Am
Today!

2 Comments

  1. Debra Fillingim

    Your story is so near mine! I am glad you broke free. I am also glad that all the nasties of the past transformed you to who you are today! Now you can know those important things in case someone else needs help breaking out.

    God Bless,
    Debra

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