from she to me at nautilus teachings

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for a long time
darkness
was not her friend
she was afraid
of the basement
always left
her closet light on
carried a small flashlight
lit candles
before the sun set
and went to bed
only once she stacked
3 records upon themselves
to play,
letting the stereo illuminate
her room
and music fill her soul…
when she was small
she slept with a light on
the hallway door ajar
and a rock under her pillow.
once the moon rose
her bedroom was lit
with millions of
twinkling star lights
and for a short moment
she could breathe freely
close her eyes
and attempt to dream
on summer nights
windows open
she would crawl upon
the wide sill
gaze up towards heaven
and pray
for God to please
make her a fish
so she can
swim far far away…
the water was her friend
she could hold her breath
for a long time
in the local pool
while pretending
to be fancy finns the mermaid…
she would twirl her body
faster and faster
creating a spinning current
which released
bubbles racing toward
the surface…
under the water
light shone through
under the silky wetness
she felt safe…
even at night
pool lights on
the turquoise water
held magic
she would sit upon
the ledge
dangle her feet
flipping them
rapidly
until she was giggling
and her cheeks
speckled with drops
each one
holding her wishes,
dreams,
each one
eventually being filled
up with salt
from the tears
which ran down
from her big brown eyes…

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as she grew up
darkness
started becoming
her friend.
in the black depths
she could conceal
her sadness
lick her wounds
dry her tears
paint her pain away
write new endings
to her life story
and live in her
imaginary world…
life swiftly flew
like a swirling hurricane
flooding her
soul with shame, guilt,
sadness
and the knowing
she
would never
be enough,
never shine bright
enough to be seen…
all of this welled up
eventually leaking
from every pour
and one day
she could not stop
her eyes
from flowing.
so,
wine glass in hand
she walked to the edge
of what was her life
as the moon shown
over the water
the stars twinkled
the blackness sang out
‘small beauty,
let it all go,
it’s time to come home…’
throwing the glass
into the water
the luminescence lit up
a myriad of colors
filled her soul
as she spread her arms
and fell
into the warm
black waters of yesterday
shattering into a tiny
million pieces
only to re-emerge
a beautiful mosaic
ready to unfurl…
she
became
ME,

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and i guess in a way
we always were one person
but today
i do not recognize
she
i left her behind
and when i see people
from my past
they always say,
‘omg! you haven’t changed a bit…’
i nod
smile
and think
‘you have no idea who i really am

…’
this is my darkness
the one i carry
the forgiven part of me
that only resurfaces
in rare moments…
today
i love slow mornings
when i wake in darkness
thanks to my blackout blinds
feed the boys
make my coffee
grab my computer
light a candle
and crawl back into darkness
AC cranked down
soft sweatshirt upon me
i unfurl myself
one hot, yummy
sip at a time
with slow
tap, tap, taps
upon my keyboard
i enter my chosen life
knowing,
today,
darkness is my friend
for i no longer
walk in fear
but through faith,
bending when needed
filled with the knowledge
i am
and will always
be
enough…
and my past,
which i no longer
answer to,
can just
keep knocking…

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