giving away her daughter at nautilus teachings

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the small girl
was born
of them
but
she was really
just of him,
and although
her mother cried
for her first born
daughter,
longing to hold her close
protect and guide her
she knew
from the twinkle
in his eye
this tiny soul
belonged
only to him…
from first breath
first smile
first hand grasp
she was
daddy’s little girl
and as she grew
she became
him,
stubborn
headstrong
she could charm
a rattlesnake
with her soft voice
her beauty
stopped people
in their tracks
and boy could she
talk up a storm
regaling people
with her stories…
with every year
she let her little girl go
she let him
have her…

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the sacrifices a mother
makes for her child
is sometimes immense
and in this case
she knew he
needed
someone
to love him
unconditionally
and that could not
be her
it needed to be
the small beauty,
who grew up
to be small in stature
but ginormous
in grace
kindness
forgiveness
and faith…
each year
her mom
untethered
one strand
which attached them-
each time she did this
she would find herself
in the closet crying,
it was like a slow
painful death…
for a short few years
when he fully
disappeared
into the world of
addictions,
she tried to
wrap her daughter up
in golden threads
of love,
but the girl rebelled
because ultimately
she was not
of her
she was of him…
they were never close
they never bonded
no matter what her mother did
it was wrong…
she blamed her mom
for her problems,
for his problems…
she yelled at her mom
over and over,
until one day
her mom
could take no more
and told
her grown beauty,
the child she gave
birth to
the one she loved
so so much
and reminded her
of her mother
to,
“fuck off and get the fuck out of her life…”
on this day
the woman
broke.

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she fell to the floor
begging God
to take her.
she wept,
trembled,
wept some more
and then
left her home…
from this day forward
her daughter
would
never be of her
not even in
the tiniest way…
she grieved long
and hard
crying daily
praying
giving everything
up to God…
in a way,
it was like
her daughter
just divorced her.
she would not answer
any texts or calls,
the brief conversations
they had
were always of him
and his family,
she cared nothing
of her mom
or sister and brother
and the mother
ached…
there was a crevice
so deep
only release could heal it…
the mother sat
in silence
for months
hurting
never sharing
just letting the wound
fester
every time it would
scab over
she picked it raw
letting it bleed
watching the tiny drops
of blood trickle down her arm
feed her soul…
she gave birth
to a small beauty
so long ago,
she gave her
to him
knowing
for her entire life
there would be
a huge hole
in her heart,
and ya know what
she was ok with that,
because
her body was a
map of scars
which all led
to the center of her,
that was faith…
today
they live thousands
of miles apart
and on the rare
occasion her daughter
actually calls her
she stops everything,
pauses,
takes a deep breath
and answers,
“hey beautiful,
how’s my girl?”
and for the next 5 minutes
she is back
in the hospital
holding
the little girl
she would never know…

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