holidays, death and gratitude at nautilus teachings

 

“no one knows why
someone we love
dies
and if you start
asking questions,
you’ll go crazy…
in a few months,
i’ll be fine…”

this is a lie.

it’s a line
from sleepless
in seattle,
it’s also
words that
in some ways echo truth
for so many of us…

the holidays
always open up
our hearts
to loss,
to missing someone
we loved
who is now dead
but never gone…

if we continue to
question this vacancy
to doubt
if we could
in fact
have saved them
we would
drive ourselves
not just into
a deep depression
of sadness
but people would
begin to think
we
are
bonkers…

how long has it been for you?
when did you lose
someone you loved?
are you
FINE
now?
have you buried them?
forgotten them?
just let them go?
my guess is,
nope!
you feel cracked
maybe carry around
a dark cloud
even beat yourself up
from time to time
with the
‘what ifs…’

it took me 30 years
to
let
my
mom
go…

i lived in this dark place
with every
‘but what if…’
you could possibly
fathom
feeling
like i had failed her
by never giving
my mom
her last wish…

‘hey, sher,
can you come over
i need to tell you some things…
i want to talk
just you and me…’
‘mom, i can’t because of my fever
you may get sick…’
‘oh, sher, i don’t care about that,
i need to see you…’
‘mom, as soon as my fever breaks
i will be over…’
silence
‘i love you, dear heart…’
‘i love you too mom…’
click
dial tone
emptiness
tears…

my mom had just had
a blood transfusion
for her leukemia
and my strep throat
was not what she needed
to be exposed to,
so
i
stayed
home
for
two
more
days…

two days
to many
because
my mother
sank into a coma
and died
7 days later…

i
was
never
fine

until this last august
when my d
took me to
face my father
and to my
childhood home
to confront
that which had been
holding me hostage
for so long…

Failure

on this cool august day
as i walked through
my old stomping grounds
stood in front of
my childhood home
walked the streets
i used to skip down
sat on the porch steps
of my best friends house
i knew
i
was
no
longer
small…

i could never have stopped
my mothers death
never have cured
her illness
i could not change
my fathers
wordless
disposition
my brothers
outward hatred for me
i could not modify…
my life story was written
long before i took
my first breath…

thanksgiving is here

what are you thankful for?

this year
my word
is
connection…

in
carrying my
self imposed burden
of
‘what if”
for so long
i missed out
on so much
growth
and learning,
not to mention
joy
and happiness
that
when i actually felt
myself grow up
only 3 months ago
i
felt
my
mother
leave
me…

i knew
beyond a shadow of a doubt
she
was
with
God
100%
because i no longer
caught her scent
in the wind,
i stopped seeing her
in strange places
and for the first
time,
i
felt
peace
and
i knew it was time
for me to rise up
and fulfill
whatever destiny
God
had
planned
for
me…

do i know what that is?
nope.
all i know is
i am no longer
tethered
to blame
for the loss
of a life
i believe
should never have ended…

my dear friend
jennifer said to me
so many years ago,
‘ya know,
sheri,
just maybe
you weren’t supposed
to hear your moms
truths…
maybe
God
wanted
you to grow…
and because you have
held onto this
emptiness
for so long,
maybe
just
maybe
you didn’t miss out
your roots just became stronger
and now
you
can bloom…’

love the peeps
you are with.
hold them close.
listen
hug
be there
turn off your devices
and know
we have one
tiny
life
and this is yours

NOW

don’t die
with regrets
and don’t
leave this world
with
unspoken
conversations…

what am i grateful for
this thanksgiving?

every
day…

 

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