i am not her at nautilus teachings

you see her smiling face
every time you sign on to fb,
you hear her laugh across the room
she’s plays golf, tennis,
has a lavish home
a loving husband
successful grown children
and everyone loves her…
he has a gorgeous wife
whom he adores
5 small children
who are the center of
his world
their home is simply
the latest of everything
they are active in their church
volunteer on the weekends
and just like the woman above,
everyone loves this family…
these are a few of the people
who swear
they have never had
any darkness,
sadness or loss
in their lives…
they come from
fabulous families
from all walks of life…
the key
the center
of all
appears to be
unconditional love
listening ears
no anger
accountability
acceptance
encouragement
and faith…
it does not mean they
don’t drink or
smoke a little mj
nor does it mean
they were the star
athletes or students…
of course they made mistakes
got speeding tickets
had their heart broken
and even told some people off…
i don’t know if they were taught
to let it all slide off of them,
but they were taught
forgiveness
compassion
empathy…


when their first pet died
they were told
‘cry it out, dearheart, i know it hurts…’
then a small family ceremony
was held in the backyard
to bury the beloved
cat, dog, fish, guinnea pig…
when they did something to hurt another
they weren’t made to feel
dumb, small or called stupid or idiot
they were taught to apologize
and hug it out
till they ended up giggling
on the floor…
they were from loving families
who understood
home is your safe haven
no
matter
what….
for most of us
this did not
and will never exist
because we are
beautifully
damaged
imperfect
flawed
scarred
human beings…
and sometimes
life sucks!
as we age
we develop a sense
of resting
pausing
a breaking off
and release of
barnacles
we have carried
for decades…
it happens at different
ages for every
person
and unfortunately
for some,
never….
for me
it happened mid age,
42…
i was barely able to exist
without my xanax in my pocket
to rescue me
in case i was engulfed with
a panic attack…
i never did drugs
but i always had
a cocktail while cooking
and a drink before bed
i saw this as my natural sedative…


i had no idea how to
deal with a life
i was first born into
and then continued
to sustain
through bad choices…
the only three good things i did
was have my children
they were then
and always will be
my center
my heart…
during their growing up years
i tried to guide them
raise them in faith
be a good mom,
and for the most part
during the time they
were awake
i was a great mom…
but when the sun would
start to set
i knew
the demons
were lying in wait
in our home
to expose themselves
to the darkness
which they fed off of…
i write about parents
being the memory keepers
of their children
and i know for a fact
my kids
have some pretty
hurtful, ugly, loud, damaging
stuff on their reel
of life…
my biggest worry
is always
can they heal
forgive
and love fully
choosing a better life
than the one
they were raised in…
we can go back
and rip off the bandages
but doing so
can open up
boxes of shame,
humiliation
embarrassment
so we tend to push them
further back
into the deep fathoms of
our soul
hoping they never
surface again…
until that day
it hits you…


you have to let this stuff go
begin to mend
not just our selves
but relationships
by forgiving
and releasing
and beginning anew
with the acceptance
we may have
pieces of a horrible past
but we are not
that person
any more…
this is what happened to me.
you can call it an
awakening
rebirth
assent
recognition
your aha moment…
all i know is you
feel clean inside
you find happiness
and ultimately joy…
i will never be that perfect
smiling all the time face
you see on fb
i love the f word too much!
i don’t do politics, religion, sexual orientation
or any other opinionated topics…
i value my families privacy
and desire only to
expose the calling of my soul
to people…
to inspire
spread kindness
not judge
teach
make laugh
lighten your load
love
faith
and let you all know
it’s always ok
to not be ok
you are always enough
and fuck everyone
who gets in your face
and tells you otherwise…