intuition, signs, karma at nautilus teachings

 

i believe in intuition.

i believe in signs.

i believe in karma.

in the movie
sleepless in seattle
meg ryan is trying on
her mother’s wedding dress…
as they hug,
the dress rips on the shoulder seam
and meg says,
‘it’s a sign…’
her mother quickly replies,
‘but you don’t believe in signs…’

when i was just a girl
my mother told me
she felt as if she was going
to die young…
at the age of 9,
i really had no idea
what that meant
as i had never known any one person
who had died
so when i looked at her
quizzically
she smiled
tapped me on the nose
and said,
‘not today, though, dear heart,
let’s go get some lemonade…’
10 years later
when she turned 50
she stayed home from work
cried all day
and refused to speak
to anyone.
‘mom, what’s up?
don’t you want to do anything
for your birthday at all?’
she looked at me through
swollen, moist eyes
and said,
‘oh sher, my life is ending…’
before i could respond
there was a knock on the door
and all her friends rushed in
with wine and munchies
made her get dressed
and put on makeup
then threw her in the back
of their van and took her to
a tom jones concert…

2 years later
a month before my first wedding
as i lay napping
the phone rang by my bed.
‘hello’
‘sher, this is dad. your mom has
had a heart attack. you need to get
to the hospital…’
i hung up
took my dog down stairs
to her cage
fell to my knees
looked up towards God
and screamed,
‘nooooooooo!
i hate you,
i really, really hate you!
you can’t take my mom, God…’
as they wheeled her in
to be operated on
she held her hand up
to touch me.
her face was grey
and she looked so weak…
‘sher, i love you.
i told you i would die young…’
then

WOOSH

she
was
gone…

my mom was the 3rd person
in the United States to have
angioplasty to save her life
and a month later
she was dancing at my wedding.
when the new year hit
and she went in to have her
6 month check up
they noticed something off
so she was admitted
and 24 hours later
as i sat with her
on her bed laughing
as the sun streamed in her window
the dr delivered the news
‘you have leukemia.
you have 6 months to live…’
when he left
she looked at me
and said,
‘well, i guess my intuition
was right all along, dear heart…’
she did not cry.
she gently smiled,
patted my hand
and said,
‘it’s time for you to go home
and get your homework done.
i need to call your father…’
i did as told
and
drove
home…

i took this news
as a sign
to get pregnant.
i believed if she had
something to live for,
that would heal her.
i did get pregnant.
i gave birth to my son
2 years after
she was given
her 6 months to live…
once he arrived
i noticed a change in her.
she started slowing down.
she took a leave from her job
as area director of 9 counties
for the American Cancer Society
she stepped down as the president
of the local business women’s association
she spent lots of hours
on the sofa
sleeping and reading
and when i look back on it all,
32 years later
i realized i missed
the sign from God
that He was giving us both
the time
to have conversations
take tons of photos
video tape her with nick
record her voice
hold her hand
bake with her…
instead my rose colored glasses
only allowed in
the small moments
she was well enough
to come visit me and my son…
sure,
i called her every day
i told her i loved her
every day
but i was 23 years old
had my own plate full of
being a new mom and wife
and had my father telling me
‘your mom is not going to die…’

when my son was 18 months old
and i was 24
she died.

intuition + signs = karma

what goes around,
comes back around
to bite us in the behind…

i never let go of my mom,
of my guilt
over what i did not do
while she was dying,
of my ignoring all the signs
not trusting my intuition
that my gut
was right,
i was losing her…

we hold on to memories.
to pieces of those we love
and have lost
as if they are filled with air bubbles
ready to feed us
with a familiar scent,
the remembrance
of sounds
colors
places
and things…

when my mother’s table
infrastructure
shattered
a few days ago
into a million tiny pieces
and her beautiful solid
hand carved
first piece of furniture she
bought
for herself
in rebellion
of my fathers iron fisted ruling
the air was sucked
right out of me
for a moment…

this was my sign!

i remembered
only 6 months ago
on my trip back home
when i walked the streets of my home town
stood in front of my childhood home
and no longer felt shame or fear…
in that instant
i released my mother
stood straight up
smiled
and said,
‘i am no longer small…’

as her table fell to pieces
and i picked it up
trying to put it back together
knowing
i could not,
my throat tightened up
my eyes welled up with tears
and
i swear i could heard the word
karma, karma, karma, echo across my soul

i knew this,
but the finality of accepting
this truth,
of hearing her voice
urging me to let go
gave me inner strength…
i cleaned up the mess
grabbed my drawing pad
and began creating
‘my table’
from the bones
of my memories
of my mother…

one day,
when i die
i doubt if any
of my children
will even want this table
i cherish so much…
but
this old midwestern
artsy fartsy chick
is going to give it her best shot
and hope that when
it is all said and done,
when the final new table
is gracing my home,
as i run my hand
across the smooth top
brushing crumbs of memories
into my other hand
maybe,
just maybe
i will hear,
‘hey mom! who gets this
table when you’re gone?’
or better yet,
‘hey granny, can i have this table
when you’re gone?’

trust you intuition
notice the signs
and when karma
comes a calling,
and it will for all of us,
greet her with a smile
and say,
‘bless your heart for trying
but you have no power
over me,
and this little girl
grew up and
knows how to fight…’

 

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