it’s never about you at nautilus teachings

 

self·ish
(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others;

i once knew
a guy
who was handsome
and very kind
he could sell ice cubes
to an eskimo
if needed
and loved
to entertain people…
he was soft spoken
had killer brown eyes
and could sit
listening to you for hours…

however,
given any chance
at being by himself
he would
immediately
take drugs and drink
himself to a state
of such
hateful anger
that you did not
want to be
around him,
which is why
his attempt at
a normal
married with children life
hugely failed
and he will forever
be alone…
he chose
over and over again
to put his
needs first…
no,
he did not have a disease
he
had
deep
dark
secrets
that ate him alive
so when he had the chance
he altered himself
to forget
his own pain
his own shame
his own embarrassment
his very real truth
that he was
a weak man
who was extremely
selfish
who refused help
and decided
this was his life
and he would live it
how he chose…

those that tried to love him
he hurt
either by
endlessly verbally assaulting them
every chance he got,
by ignoring them
or physically abusing them
in the most

ma·ni·a·cal

exhibiting extremely wild or violent behavior: 
”a maniacal dictator”

ways…

he refused to see
any type of doctor
to treat his obvious depression
and sociopathic,
narcissistic behavior
because he did not want
to take any pills
or be labeled
because he was
“a man”
and who would

gloat
contemplate or dwell on one’s own success or another’s misfortune with smugness or malignant pleasure

that he was ‘king’
of his world
and the rest of you
could just fuck off…

 

he lived off of the government
on 100% disability
drove a nice truck
that hauled his mobile trailer
and volunteered
for a well known
non profit
helping people in harms way
to recover from tragedy…
he could spend his days
earning praise for all he did
and then
drink and drug his nights
and weekends away
knowing full well
he
was
deceiving
every person he met
or knew
and laughing
at each one
the moment
it turned dark
and he locked himself
inside
his trailer…

another guy i knew
who was equally as good looking
an athlete
and raised by the most
extraordinary mom
had an older brother
who tried hard to take
him under his wing and
protect him
from their alcoholic father,
grew up being
mean
and harming his
little sister
every chance he got.
he too, was
an alcoholic
for years and years
lying to,
deceiving and
always abusing
those who loved him,
those who
welcomed him home
after every single
rehab stint
who loaned him money
to start anew
let him sleep on
their sofa
for months at a time
fed him
listened to his stories
and held him when he cried
until the day
he found Jesus
and got sober…
that was nearly
30 years ago
and in that time
he pushed away
every single person
who was there for him
his whole life…
he divorced,
remarried
and had a couple of kids
he went weekly to church
weekly al-anon meetings
saw a shrink
to combat his depression
and failures
took his meds regularly
and then one winter day
after years of
ignoring his
mother and siblings
after raising his kids
and faking his normal life
he just
took the

cow·ard·ly

lacking courage.
synonyms:
faint-hearted, lily-livered, spineless, chicken-hearted, craven, … more
way out
and committed
suicide
leaving his family to wonder
why?
for the rest of their lives…

mental illness is serious
nearly 1 in 5 Americans
suffer from it…
10-15% of them commit suicide
only 3-4% turn to crimes
the biggest concern
according to research is
that the people who
actually seek help
and get a diagnosis
are then discriminated against
making it hard for them to live
normal, productive lives…
and let’s not even discuss
all the side effects of
the prescription medication
they need to take
in order to be
‘in the normal spectrum’

do you know
someone,
anyone
with an
eating disorder
personality disorder
anxiety
mood or psychotic disorders
or addictions?
which, by the way
are the six most common ones
according to women’s health…
if you do
they need help,
they need love
patience and understanding
but many refuse
to admit they suffer,
or to speak to anyone
who can help them,
let alone take meds…

i for one
know first hand
how painful it can be
to watch
someone you love
destroy
not just themselves
but those
around them…
it took me faith
inner strength
and time
before i could
pack up my life
and my children’s life
and walk away…
i still flinch
from time to time
at a sudden noise,
once in a blue moon
i think i see them
watching me
but mostly
it’s the memories
that wake me
knowing
their illness was
never about me
and i could never fix them…
for my dear friend
who took his life
i feel such sadness
for those who loved him
and the inability to
ever know the answers
as to why…
unfortunately,
they will be blaming
themselves
for a long time
which is so horrible…

are these two people
selfish,
maniacal,
gloating
cowards?
in some ways
absolutely…
but,
they can also
appear caring and kind,
seem calm, sane,
quietly modest,
daring, dauntless
seemingly unafraid
and we
get caught up
in their world
of lying
egotistical games
feeling as if
we are to blame
that they are this way
only because of us
leaving us to
feel guilty
for walking away and finding
happiness
through
healing…
finally,
i want you to know
you are always enough
and their life
is not about you…
no matter how hard this
may be,
you
must
put yourself
and children first
let your faith buoy you
and as the famous quote states,
‘let your faith be bigger than your fear…’

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