letting go of mom at nautilus teachings

 

dusk is upon me
the twinkle lights
glow,
d
is asleep in the spa
boys are at my feet
my day
is nearly done

i
sit
glance at the tree
unable to
see moms ornament
i keep searching
until i know,
she.
is.
gone.

the ornament
could break tomorrow
and yes,
i would be heartbroken
but
i let her go
i grew up
i became
‘Alice’ (from  wonderland)
by stopping myself
from drinking the potion
of those who hurt me
held me down
repeatedly yelled ugliness at me
tied me up
hit me
and made me feel
worthless…
i stopped being the nail
to any one persons hammer
i was now so grown,
their tininess could
no longer
stop me…

in order to become
Alice,
i had to let mom go
100%…
the threads that tethered me
to her
even in death
had to unknot
and
i
needed to
find my wings
and fly away from
what was
the house
that i believed,
built me…

i glance at the tree again
then quickly look away
i no longer feel
her
magic.
now,
it is my turn
to be
to my kids
and grandchildren
what she was to me,
irreplaceable…
the question looming
was, did i want to
and could i?

kids are different today.
they hold on to
NOTHING
sacred.
no baby memory books
no printed photographs
filling up album
after album…
having kids
did not necessarily mean
you needed to be married
or for that matter
even in lasting love…

i am no one to talk,
that is for sure.
with two failed marriages
under my belt,
regardless of how
bad my choices were
i,
in
no way
had set
an example for my children
of what love is,
let alone
marriage…

so i sit in darkness.
i light candles echoing their names
i pray for them
i unreel memories
of each of them
knowing
they
will
always
be
my
heart…
which is exactly
what my mom was for me,
my heart…

the sky is black
yet it glows with hope
peace
stillness
the unknowing
of what
this future
may hold…
the boys are asleep
at my feet
the AC is cranked low
a hallmark movie
plays in the background
as i once more
glance to the tree…

i see all the ornaments
of my life with mom
and i know
amongst them
is her glass sparkling ball…
in front of me
jingle bells hang
in silence
Santa’s of my past
stare at me
the fans whirl silently
and i think
this is my Christmas
to step onto
a footpath
i have no idea
where it will lead…

i cannot be
my mother
i cannot expect my children
to hold on to my traditions
it is time for me to
accept the unknown
embrace the unexpected
and know,
no matter what
i have my faith to guide me…

i close my eyes
breathe in the beauty
of advent
knowing
mary,
innocent
beautiful
mary
gave birth
to
our Fathers son,
Jesus…

i know
joseph married her
knowing
she was with child
i know
Jesus left the home
of his birth family
to teach the world
about faith
about God
about forgiveness
and love…

we do not deal
the hand
our life is given.
day after day
we are challenged
tempted
questioned
and given
freely
faith,
all we need do is
walk the path before us…

one more glance
towards the tree
one more breath in
a few more tears
shed
as darkness encompasses
my small world.
i rise up
and light a candle
for hope,
one for peace,
one for forgiveness,
family
love
and faith…
i close my eyes.
i picture my mother smiling
down upon us all
and know
this
is
my
gift
this year…

 

the search for the
memory of my mother
led me home
from a place i never
truly belonged
down a street
i may have walked upon
but really needed
to skip over…
i was no longer
the house that
built me,
i was no longer
small
and this year
Christmas
began to take on
a whole new meaning.

i can hear my
mother now,
speaking…
’sher,
i love you dearheart,
and i know you love me
but it’s time
for you,
my beautiful daughter
to stand strong in your faith
knowing
no matter what happens
inside every
new step
lies a blessing…
now,
sher,
now
is your time
to fly…’

oh, twinkle lights
shining on me
each day of this
blessed season,
fill my home
and my heart
with gratitude
and let this
old midwestern girl
embrace
each new moment
knowing
there are no silent bells
and that magic
does still live
as long
as
we
believe…

Leave a Reply