little big life at nautilus teachings

moms at it again
mom’s at it again

i am living
a little big life
not a big big lie
nor even a tiny fraction
of one
instead
i have followed
my calling
to this little big life…
when i was young
i had dreams of
working for Disney
or of moving to California
and becoming
a commercial artist
i knew one day
all those images
all those words
inside my head
would be
the
“pay dirt”
for my anticipated
longed for
big, big life…
i would live
in a house on the beach
own a beautiful sailboat
be married to one man
have 6 children
go to church
and live
this awesomely
big, big life…
by the age of 18
i knew i was going nowhere
far away
i could not leave my mother
i was a goodie two-shoes
rule follower
extremely introverted
and shy, shy, shy…
i still hid in closets and corners
i still dreamed of the
big, big life
but i was willing to
chill for a while longer
doing what was
expected…

mom did not know who she was...
mom did not know who she was…

did i marry the man i wanted?
no…
he is happily married
with like 10 kids or something…
i married the man
mom said would give me
the white picket fence i needed
and she always dreamed of…
he gave me a beautiful son
who i love to death,
but the question was…
did i love him?
i thought i did
but my heart knew
he was wrong
we were not peas and carrots
but oil and water…
sure if i stayed he would give me
a big, big lie
because it would be his big, big life
and not my colorful, creative, artsy one…
so i fled
as soon as my mom died
and rebelled
not to California like i should have
to a new man
a new way of life
and the prospect of
maybe moving to the beach
and raising a family…
oh how beautiful my
rose colored glasses were
i loved them
so much
they made everything bad
look inviting…
well,
we had two beautiful baby girls
and then truth
his truth…
the person i thought i married
was a big, big lie
but the good girl in me stayed…
and just as i was planning to escape
he won lotto
and i was trapped…
if i left i would be a
big, big gold-digger
taking half his millions
so i stayed
we moved to the beach
i cheated
for a short time
with a man who believed
in my big, big dream
while
he lived his big, big lie
on the outside now
and i was trapped…
so….
i never signed on for this
big, big lie
i could not even comprehend
his big, big lie…
and eventually
his big, big lie
broke me…
i ended it
salvaged what i could
of my life
my kids life…

she likes painting for sure-i like licking it
she likes painting for sure-

i wondered what had
become my big, big life
i dreamed of…
so i pulled out the paint
the canvas
the old electric typewriter
and i
broke open
i gushed
i was a flood
of hurts,
truths,
wrongs
and color…
i did not stop
i could not stop
my big, big life
was going to happen…
but
i
was
a lot
older
and reality was
my big, big life
was turning into
a little big life…
during my whole life
faith had sustained me
now
faith would heal me…
Brene’ Brown
Oprah Winfrey
Desmond Tutu
would help me heal
photography classes
blogging
painting
writing
they would heal even more of me…
and soon
i began to love
my little big life…
i started laughing
i started speaking
and i met this guy
who was also living
a little big life
a minor local celebrity
as he would joke to me
about who he was
this guy
was one with the ocean
had deep
faith
and
like me
had been through the ringer…
but he was happy
he was grateful
he was willing to take a chance
on this
mid-western chick
who had big, big dreams
but loved
her little big life…

he found me
he found me

we all have to decide
what we are willing
to sacrifice
to get that big, big life we want
the fancy car
big house
incredible vacations
designer clothes and shoes
big screen tv’s
diamonds
even our own personal
trainer, chef and hair stylist…
do i want all of these?
nope!
did i at one time?
maybe…
but i look at people i know
who have these so called
big, big lives
and thank God
every day
i am not one of them.
i love my jewelry by Pam
i love my tiny Bali Studios
i love my small Cocoa Beach
i love my teeny house
and my two big shaggy dogs
i love my blended family
and my
underwearmodelsurferdudedoctorofahuband
who also giggles when i call him my
baldoldfuckerskinnywhiteassedirishman…
a big, big life?
yes,
i
live
a
big, big life
in a little big way…

family for life
family for life