little girl lost at nautilus teachings

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she was born
not of love
but of need
the need for the mother
to keep him attached
securing her future
the need to comfort her
when he was gone
the need to save her
make her smile
no mater the reason
she
was
born…
some may say
she was born
a rebel
beautiful
from first breath
she defied
most requests
stomped her feet
and did things
only her way…
since birth
she would not
give in or up
she would blaze a trail
donning her
red cowboy boots
which soon led to
high heels –
she was
hell on wheels
full of spit and vinegar…
and oh
how she loved
her father
she loved him so much
that she hated him
because he lived life
his way
never asking her
permission
or if she even
wanted to…
she would stand straight
tightening all her muscles
when she was young
and scream,
“i hate you,
leave me alone…”

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at night she refused to sleep
she wanted to catch him
with his eyes closed
and suck out his breath
leaving him a
puppet upon her strings….
alas he would not,
for he would hold the door closed
locking her up tight
willing her,
yelling at her
to sleep
“i will not do anything you say…”
she would scream,
followed by
“one day i will run far far away
and you will miss me…”
he just chuckled
and replied,
“go ahead…”
soon another child came along
giving her a reason to stay
believing she could
raise this child as her own
trying to teach it to hate
their father
always wanting it to
take her side…
this never happened
because the other one
loved their father
way too much
and clung to him endlessly…
so she rebelled more
and began digging her fathers grave
the day he left their mother
for another woman
who called her names
was cruel to her
and never fed her any love…
this woman
taught her hatred
how to “play” her father,
sealing up her heart
never letting him in again…
she knew how to anger him
so day after day,
she would…
there were moments
she let herself be soft
feel his love
but it made her heart
ache to much
so she decided forever
she
would
hate
him
she
would
never
forgive
him
and one day
she would find a way
to destroy his huge, loving
giving, caring heart
regardless of who got hurt
along the way…
her father tried
he would sit with her
as she grew,
ask her questions
beg her to open up
and the few words she gave him
were total lies
each one a jagged edged sword
penetrating the love
he refused to give up
for his tiny,
now grown beauty…
she
was
his…

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they grew apart
became unknown
to one another
forever would their
relationship
as father and daughter
be severed
un-mendable,
no medicine
in the world
could cure it
nor time heal it…
every man she picked
was wrong-
needing to be fixed
so she would
screw with their heads
try to mold them
into her perfect
man toys
until they rebelled
and called her
ugly names
threatening her
until she cried
ran away
and found comfort
in another mans arms,
lying the whole time
about her truths
hurting every man
she could
when what she really needed
was her father…
she needed to forgive him
to hug him
to sit with him
spill all her truths
knowing
he
would
love her
no matter
what…
little girl
so lost
all her life
wakes every day
with tiny barren thread pieces
of her sewn up heart
within the palm
of her hand
and when she glances
down upon them
her tears fall fast
mixing with them
causing her
the deepest pain
she has ever felt,
knowing
she was the reason
for this hurt,
not him…


“i don’t care,” she screams
to the empty room,
“i fucking hate you
and will never forgive you
or let your be a
part of my life…”
then she sighs
places her feet
upon the wooden floor
puts on her mask
smiles in the mirror
all the while thinking
to herself,
“mirror, mirror on the wall
one day i will be there
to watch him fall…
then i will dance upon
his grave
singing songs of love,
from his little girl,
who never felt
she belonged…”

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