little miss at nautilus teachings

a few decades ago
little miss
beauty was born.
she had dark chocolate eyes
fuzzy brown hair
and was a teeny tiny
bundle of words
from first expression…
she stood firmly
upon any ground given
headstrong
and stubborn
immune to the
actuality
that her naked truth
may be inaccurate…
made from
deceptive love
she became a master
at mask wearing
falsifying
story telling
suppression
and rage.
she loved to slam doors
point fingers
blame everyone
and accept
nothing as fact
unless it flowed
off the lips of her
preferred parent.
she allowed both parents
to hold her
teach her
and love her
but the chosen one
was the only chaperone
she allowed in
to the camouflaged corners
waiting inside her pint sized frame…
the excluded parent
was not allowed to
accompany her on
any verification expeditions
having to do with
correctness, reliance,
allegiance or honesty,
thus forming
a labyrinth
of fictional reality
which would corrupt
any decision made in her life…
she began building
boxes filled with ammunition
she would one day launch
at the calculated target
lacerating them to the bone
leaving behind only
fragmented pieces
of what was their life
and leaving them
unable to decipher
crushing shame
from
encompassing devotion…


by 18 she was locked
loaded
and ready to fire
upon any one person
who dare seek
any inkling of information
regarding her employment,
education or boyfriend.
she brushed off
texts or phone calls
leaving no room
in her heart
for anyone
not in clear
acknowledgment
with her doctrine.
one spoken
displeasing comment
and she was engulfing,
like a fireball,
ready to consume
every inch of toxicity
pouring into her cosmic balance.
she believed in no one but herself.
a clear small warm stream
of faith flowed through her entirety
but she looked to the stars
for guidance and direction.
as time went on she fell into
and out of relationships
with men.
each one of them,
needing saving
hurling ugliness at her
but always
wrapping her up
in the love she wished for
from her father.
he was her heart.
but to him,
it appeared to mean nothing…
a man incapable of truth
or love
smiled, while lying to her
as he hugged her in close
strengthening the falsity
that he was normal.
inside he was weak
addicted to many horrible vices
and although she believed him
when he told her
he was clean and sober
she knew
he
was
being
deceitful…
a couple years passed
as she tuned out his untruths,
his
always blaming her mother
for his faults
until the day
she heard the words
coming from her fathers girlfriend,
“i don’t know how your mother put
up with this for so long..”


there it was.
her heart began to crack
small droplets of faith
began trickling enveloping
her distortion of thinking.
‘no. nO. NO!’
she screamed
‘i hate you! this is all your fault’
but she knew
way deep down inside
the woman who brushed her hair
sang to her
made her pancakes
taught her how to be strong
to think for herself
to love
and have faith,
was not to blame.
she just knew,
what she really needed
was her mom.
the inside of her was conflicted
wanting to save her father
hate her mother
and find her self.
God kept knocking
at the door to her heart
and sometimes she would
let HIM in
let HIM cradle her
listen to HIS words
just be in the memory
of knowing
she is never alone…
little miss
beauty was now nearing
her third decade on earth
setting a new course
moving far away
from him
from her
from everyone.
she took a chance
and told her mother,
“mom, i think this fall i
will be moving to…..”
her mom smiled
her eyes filled with tears
as she said,
“i am so proud of you
for doing what you want to do.
You have grown up so much.
Anything you need,
i have your back…”
there it was again,
her mother
never leaving her
her mother
always there…


no parent is perfect.
we all make mistakes.
but sometimes a child
picks sides-
especially in divorce.
sometimes the good parent
becomes dr. evil!
can you love a child too much?
nope.
little miss was taught
accountability
self love
critical thinking.
she was allowed to fail
struggle even…
she was taught to be
independent, learning
to do laundry,
cook, clean, how to use
basic tools, cut the grass,
nuture seeds to grow strong
manners, values, beliefs
and have faith.
so what went wrong?
where was the disconnect?
why did she start hiding in
shadowed corners so young?
begin to keep it all inside?
why from birth,
did she seek out men
who needed to be saved?
she replicated
what she saw in her own
family-abusive father,
weak mother, always trying
to fix him…
what about society?
exposure to peers?
i encourage you to
start spending
one on one time
being genuine role models
and mentors to your children
especially
as they become teenagers
and young adults
because this is the time
they begin to shove us away
make poor choices
and begin to find themselves…
finding a closer connection
can be challenging
and in some cases
impossible,
as was with little miss.
it wasn’t until recently
she sat with her mother,
while her mom really listened,
did not judge or preach
but guided her with a gentle
but firm hand full of love,
and for the first time
in decades
the two, mom and little miss,
connected
hear to heart…
in the words
of a 22 year old
who just graduated pre med,
“we didn’t ask you to give us trophies.
we didn’t ask our parents to do
everything for us.
society is raising generations
of kids who cannot think
for themselves
do for themselves
and are lazy.
this, my friend, is on the parents!”
the message?
little eyes and ears
are always watching,
listening
and learning…