living forward at nautilus teachings

 

There is memory
In the stroke of
A paintbrush
I can taste the cool
Crisp cobalt and cerulean blues
As I pull from them
A sense of safety
belonging
And the knowledge
That they are my soul colors
Reaching for the tattered plaid fabric
With which to wipe my bristles upon
A story bobs up from the center of my being
The scent which once belonged upon this shirt
Now gone
Tickles my nose
In a rush of encompassing life songs
Being thrown ever backward into my life
I find myself searching for keys
Knowing love cannot uncage me
Nor bandage my scarred heart
I fitfully sleep knowing
To live with artistic abandon
I must accept that
I am The only one
who can break free
from my tethered chains
I was folded into a world
Of mismatched puzzle pieces
As if God whispered,
“This is what ya got, now make it work…”
My shadowed chocolate eyes catch
The movement of my hands
I clasp them together
And think of
Touch
My memory of first embrace
All floats back to my mother…
Small fingers
Placing color to paper
I can hear the silent movement
As it freely coats the surface
In shiny stroked images of my life
Hues and shadows
Echo across my mind
Where is my safe harbor
Who is my home
How many times had I been asked to “trust”
Only to fall short of this and betray myself.
My life has been patterned,
Copied over and over
By the lack of faith in my own being
To grow
To blossom
To belong


The mom in me loved the woven images
Of repetitive life
Holiday celebrations, family vacations
And all the mundane chores
Which made up my day
I noticed from the time I was small
Keys hanging
Dangling
Always out of reach
Beckoning me to take that leap of faith
That God made me to give back
All the brilliant colors I carried inside
I let Him down
I let myself down
I became a robotic system
A database
Of
How to be a good girl
Following direction
Carrying a shield
Made of hurt and anger
To say I was disappointed in myself
Is an understatement
As I stand looking through the mirror
Illustrations flash quickly
Like the lens of a camera
My three grown children
Are strong, focused and loving
They have each fought their way into a world
Of their choosing knowing clearly
they are not going to drown
Or succumb to the rigid expectations of this life
I love their spirits
The soul they put into their school and jobs
I watch their hands echo mine
As they embrace all the colors
Given them
And never settle
To be just blue, green or red
But strive to be
Cerulean blue, kiwi green or cranberry red
They have expectations
Dreams, goals
And they don’t give up
They fight
If one key does not fit they just get a new one
I love it…
I find myself at waters edge now
The crisp coolness of the first wave upon my toes
Cleanses me
Inspires me
And
Beckons me to continue my journey
To new shores
Lush coves
To keep writing
And painting
Knowing
Success is not measured in
Worldwide acceptance
Or monetary gain
But in the true
Shedding of my outer shell
To reveal my
Songs which make my heart sing
To speak my soul stories
Which gave me wings to unfurl
to brush upon canvas
The stories which created me
To grasp the next key which comes my way
And to sail upon open waters
Allowing the gentle to breeze to kiss my imagination
And fill my entire being up
With the warmth and knowledge
That
I may not get a second chance at life
So I better start living it now…