living the dream at nautilus teachings

 

 

 

I want to be
Fully broken
I have been
Mending
Pieces of my soul
All my life
Never allowing
Hurt
Sadness
Disappointment
To take over
Some say
This is good
I am strong
But the “fillings”
The “patches”
Are cracking
And wearing thin
I need to
Be broken
So I
Can heal
So I can sit
Beside the
Worn out core
Of me
Pull the reflective images
From my
Liquid eyes
Place them
In their raw
Polaroid faded
State
Upon the
Cobalt healing waters
Of my soul
And
Watch them
One by one
Loose
Their form
Their color
Their suffocating hold
Upon my
Every breath
I need to
Be broken
I need to
Withdraw
Words
Faces
Hands
All the pieces
Which line
My foundation
And lie fractured
Barnacled
While the
Warm
Cerulean waters
Cleanse me
Slowly
With
Melodic
Tethering
Movements
While my
Essence
Billows
Sweetly
Open
And
Unfurls
Like a sail
Kissing the wind
Once unfolded
I lie
Choice-less
As the
Whispered
Pieces
Of my
Imprisonment
Of pain
Sweetly lift
Off of me
Like
Creamy, soft sand
Being brushed
Gently
From my
Bare foot trodden paths
I want to be
Fully broken
In this
Exposed
Form
My
Being
Will then be
Navigable
Towards
The
Luminous
Mosaic
Quest
I
Journey
So effervescently
Upon In dreams
To be
Fully
Broken
Undressed
Defenseless
Untormented
Means
All my
“fillings”
My “patches”
Have been
Absolved
My
Palette
Is cleansed
And
I can now
Begin
The
Conscious
Voyage
Onto the
Calm
Azure
Ebb and flow
Of
My
Melodious
Expedition
Of
Unguarded
surrender…
i set out
upon this quest
years ago
little by little
releasing
has healed me
learning
about forgiveness
and joy
has healed me
yet still
when i sit still
and look
inside
i know
i am still broken…

i stopped
believing in
dreams and fairy tales
when i was just
a small child
because of this,
of my
needing to not
even imagine
i had the right
to speak
to grow
to learn
to leave
i became
one with an inner world
of color
silence
shame
having no direction
whatsoever
taking chances
on people
who challenged
me to step
outside
only to be let down
by that very
person
who’s hand
and words
i let guide me
out
of
my
shell…
i kept
doing this
echoing
each time
the truth
dreams are lies
we tell ourselves
to save us
from reality…
i am still
suffocating
still holding on
still living in fear
still unbelieving
in complete
happiness….
which is why
now
at the age of 55
i am traveling home
to say goodbye
to touch the house
that built me
to walk the park
i hid in
to once more
take photographic memories
of what was.
i am going to
“suck it up”
because
“it wasn’t so bad…”
i will stop being
“a big baby”
“grow up”
everything
everyone
tells me to do
as they laugh
walk away
tune me out
ignore me
believe
i do
not
exist…
in some ways
the emotional
and physical
trauma
of my life
formed me
and this old mold
of a shell
cannot take on
a new form…
what
do
i
do?

give it all to God…

when i
walk those shaded lanes
gaze upon
the old structure
remember
the sights, sounds
and smells
when i see
how nothing is
really just the same
only kinda
like it was
only then
can i disconnect
unplug
stop the
constant buzz
of
“you are ugly,
fat
stupid
unwanted…”
unfeel
the twisting pain
of my wrist
the pinches on my thigh
or the wetness
of my bladder
letting go into
my ruffled panties…
i want this shit
to go away
but it won’t
because
it is imbedded
upon
the inner
pieces of me
which are all connected
to the one
thing i want the most-

my mom…

knowing i can never
hear her voice
see her smile
or look into
her huge brown eyes
is something i’ve
accepted
but i will never
cease
wanting
to
know
the
truths…
and this
my friend
is what
i can never have
because
the people
who are still breathing
who know the truth
play dumb
say they cannot remember
ask me,
‘why would you need to know that?
dory has been dead for 30 years…’
really?
i wonder how their adult child
would feel
if it was asking
someone else
about them
after they died…
oh to be so perfect
to be judgmental
and be able to
turn your back
on someone who
loves you
because
you think
they should
let
it
go…
fuck you.
i’m holding on…

let the healing begin?

never…

if i was not
so broken
then how
would all
the light get in?
God holds me
faith cradles me
one day
i will see my mom
until then
i’m living the dream…