looking in windows at nautilus teachings

i remember being on the outside
always looking in…
it started when i was young
making sure i knew
where my bonehead brothers
were at all times…
this was a matter of protecting myself
because they decided together
i was to be their target
as much as humanly possible…
then when i went to school
i was painfully shy
stuttered
and refused to talk to anyone
plus i was left handed
and in the 60’s they tried
to force me to be right handed
which totally screwed me up
for life…
this whole world is made up
of everything for righties,
needless to say i did
get to be quite ambidextrous
in almost everything
but my predominate
and strongest side
is actually right and not left…
i eat, paint, draw write
only left handed…
i think my brain
got so many mixed up signals
growing up in a right handed world
that it easily explains why
if you ask me to balance
or stand on one foot
most likely i will topple over,
riding a bike became a challenge
when i tried to pick it up after
years of no bicycling at all,
hence, i run into the most random
out of the way things
and fight to keep myself
from wobbling.
as a child i was awesome at it,
able to ride no handed, even
but my aging body rebelled
and decided no more two wheelers,
no more hand stitching quilts
because my left fingers
decided they could no longer
hold a needle,
and forget me keeping a beat
while dancing,
just ask d, it will make you giggle…


give me a puzzle
ask me to fit a square peg in a round hole
put together any toy with a million pieces
how to hook up, maintain and upgrade
all electronics,
heck i even fixed our dishwasher
with the help of YouTube…
i think outside the box,
because i learned very young
i never wanted to be held
inside
anything,
EVER!
hence,
there is no box…
the obedient,
goody two-shoes,
tattling
little girl
could not ever
make up her own mind…
sure, deep inside i had dreams
i spent every day hiding,
drawing, creating a world
i felt safe in…
one where there were no words
only color, smiles, and safety…
i grew to love being on the outside
of everything,
hiding under tables at parties
to hear conversations
sitting in the shadows
with someones dog
observing how people
interacted
but i also loved hosting
any gathering
because i was kept busy
cooking, cleaning up,
getting drinks…
i did not have to
engage in conversations
only small talk
and i was good at
hugging, cheek kissing and smiles!
i have taken all the tests
and i am right brain dominant
which comes as no surprise…


i am not analytical,
i remember colors, clothing,
and smells
but no other details
in most memory…
i am common sense all the way
instead of logic,
i love trying to find my own ways
to complete most challenges…
i am non-linear, which means
‘that it does not progress or develop smoothly from one stage to the next in a logical way. Instead, it makes sudden changes, or seems to develop in different directions at the same time…’
i have never ever been predictable-
EVER!
i trust my intuition,
i easily mulit-task
100% creative,
i truly believe we are
all connected
and 9 times out of10
i am correct about an outcome
of any given situation-
i can see the big picture
with ease
love color and laughing…
i rarely if ever
verbally share how i feel
or what i think,
the introvert in me
keeps all my thoughts
safely in journals….
what are you?
do you even care?
for me,
knowing i am right brained
which explains my feeling
i am on the outside looking in,
it comforts me
letting me know
i am not weird
strange
dumb
stupid
as i have been called
by almost every man
i have loved…
being an observer
in this crazy world
helps me process things slowly…
i don’t watch the news
or listen to gossip
i am not political
and don’t pick sides…
have you ever been in a car
driving down the road
and you see a child
face pressed to the window
gazing out
even staring at you?
that is
and always has been,
me!
i embrace
being the outsider
in the many circles
of this world
i don’t want to belong
or need to fit in…
so if you ever see me
sitting quietly
anywhere
know
my mind is
creating 1,000 miles a minute
writing new stories
drawing new ideas
to paint
thinking about
what to cook for dinner
or that i get to go see Ryland soon…
i am never where you are
i have never been caught up
in the moment
or felt a need to sit
and gab for hours…
for most of my life
i felt shame for this
unwanted
different…
but now i
look in the mirror
smile
and embrace
all of my weirdness!