loving Rae at nautilus teachings

‘you’ve got CRS’
said my beautiful friend Rae
as we sat overlooking
the albemarle sound
on her upper back deck
sipping wine
telling stories
laughing
and just
enjoying the comfort
of our friendship
while her handsome
husband Walt
made sure we had
everything we needed
by bringing us some
nibbles he made
then softly exiting
while i began to confide
in her the reality
of my past life…

7 years prior
a few days after
i moved just a few homes
down the road from Rae
on Bay Drive
in the OBX
she knocked on my door
and when i opened it,
i was greeted with the
most gorgeous
5’2” woman
with a smile
that melted my heart…
‘i’m Rae. i’m going to be your new mom’

at that moment
i knew she was
an angel.
since then
i have come to admire her.
i look up to her
i ask her for advice
i just know
she always has my back
and loves me…
d and i were there
visiting her
and walt
(who has since passed away)
we were giggling
on the deck
that warm summer evening
so long ago
sun setting
creating a magical background
i learned exactly what CRS was
and have used this ‘excuse’
many times throughout the
past 17 years with a smile
always thinking
every time of
beautiful Rae.

CRS

can’t remember shit

go ahead
grin
ear to ear
in fact
let out a small laugh…

most people
just giggle when i tell them
what it is,
but, once i got a response
from a woman
who said,
‘oh, that’s just like dementia’

NO

it is not
a chronic or persistent disorder of the mental processes caused by brain disease or injury and marked by memory disorders, personality changes, and impaired reasoning

CRS
is when you get so busy
or stressed
trying to do 12,000 things at once
crossing items off of your list
driving the kids everywhere
working your job
keeping the house,
basically living a normal life
when
WHAM!
something hits you
from left field~
divorce
losing a pet
illness
loss of job
a hurricane
you overdraw your account
and you go to open
your mouth
with a friend
over a glass of wine
which is completely
stress free
and

NOTHING

comes out,
in fact
you are tongue tied
your brain is firing
in every direction possible
but absolutely no connection
is made
between
thoughts
words
and voice
you have become
a flat line
with no vibration
your entire system
is buzzing
beep, beep, beep, beep
you hear the words,
‘i’m sorry, sheri is busy right now,
please leave a message
and have a colorful day…’
basically
you
are
now
a

BLANK SCREEN

staring at your friend
able to see her lips move
yet have no idea
what she is saying
as the volume
on life
which feels
as if it is on
the highest level
is
actually
directly
set
to
mute…

you see her take a
sip of wine
close her eyes
and throw her head backward
grinning ear to ear
as tiny sweat beads
begin forming on your
upper lip
your heart begins to race
as her words echo
over and over
‘darlin’ CRS happens to everyone
as we age…
have another glass of wine
take a deep breath
and begin again…’

suddenly a drone
buzzes over our head
i snap back
look her soft face
and burst out laughing…
‘OMG…i cannot remember
what i was going to say.
do you know?
what did i last say?’

she gently passes me
a cold glass of Pino
then offers up the cheese tray.
i take both
breathe, sip,
nibble,
breathe again
and know
this is one
of those

MOMENTS

the kind you soak up
one you
record in your mind
capturing
every scent
sight
color
taste…

i have not seen
my dear friend Rae
in several years…
and that,
is on me.
i have been so
caught up in my crazy life
that i have put off
traveling
home
to her softness
her wisdom
her strength
her amazing
tap dancing
healthy aging self
on the back burner
because
of fear…

what am i afraid of?

losing Rae.

my heart and d say,
‘you f’ing idiot. go see her’
i never got to say
goodbye to my mom
or get answers to questions
i sooooo
needed…

i have shared with you
my word for 2018~
connection…

connection is listening
with an open heart
and spending time with
those you love.

i will see Rae.
i will book that trip.
i urge you to go see
that one person
you miss so much
it hurts
the one who made you laugh
who helped you grow
who helped you
live in the knowing
you
are
never
ever
alone…

life is short.

take the trip.

fill up your memory
with as much love and laughter
as you possibly can
so that if you are ever
alone
in a nursing home
alone
with
few
visitors,
you will always
have something
to see as you
gently close your eyes
and click, click, click
the old black and white
reel of memories
of your one
tiny
beautiful
life…

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