mom grows up at nautilus teachings

 

the sun
was warm upon
her tired cheeks
her mind
numb
her belly
tired of eating
her bank account
reaching zero
the music
was soft
melodic
just as the
cascading waterfalls
twinkled in her ear
through her
bose system
in her convertible,

it happened

she
cried

not a fast
out of control
fill your nose
up with boogers
so you can’t breathe
cry
not one where you
cried out
yelled
and cussed
out loud
hitting the steering wheel
don’t you ever
fuck with me again cry

this was
a soft summer rain
this was an awakening
this was the blossoming
and also the letting go
kind of sadness
most closely
resembling
a mourning
a death
a finality of loss…

her right eye
dropped one huge tear
upon her cheek
while the left
kept welling up
but not quite full enough
to release
it’s moist contents
her right nostril
tingled,
tickled,
actually
and she felt as if
she was about to sneeze…

her body began to warm
the core of her heating up
and just when she
felt like pulling over
and sobbing

just
like
that

it
was
gone

as if a light
had been blown out
a fan turned off
a stillness entered her
strength
began rushing through
her veins
as the knowing
of truths
the certainty
became
a whole truth
as the words
echoed across
her
ebbing and flowing
in and out
wrapping her up
encompassing
every ounce of thought
with the now
naked truth
standing
jumping
twirling
before her
big brown eyes

the
fight
was
over

she
could
breathe

it
was
ok
not
to
know

and the acceptance

she
was
a
bystander
a witness
and observer
only,
in the life
of
someone
she
loved
with all her heart

she would never be let in
never be whispered secrets to
no phone calls of excitement
or inquires of questions
needing to be answered
she would now
only be
the empty void
that was evicted
released
from the
committed imprisonment
she felt
obligated
to tend to
for so long…

pulling into her
driveway
she sighed
grabbed her
purchases
walked into the house
and started
putting away
her goodies
when
he
startled
her
with
these
words

‘you’ve been crying…’

‘yes’,
she replied

‘why?’, he asked

he did not really
want to know
he felt an obligation
to ask
which in turn
caused a friction
between them
briefly
leading him
to return
to his chair
in the sun
poolside…

what she needed
was for him
just to hold her
and let her cry
but she never
found the right words
to speak
when he was near
so whatever she said
always came out
mean
short
insensitive…

she did not
ever want him to know

she
needed
him
in this way

almost like
a small child
needs his mother

to be consoled
without verbiage
or lecture
just in silent
understanding
she
was
hurting
and
growing
and
finally
understanding

she
was
done

there
comes a time
in parenting
when we let go

completely

they grow up
hold full time jobs
pay bills
get married
have kids
lead happy lives
calling occasionally
to fill you in
never really
understanding
the connection
between parent
and kids
from first breath
until
they have their own
babies
and as they begin to
grow up
and out,

‘don’t buy my clothes,
you don’t know what i like…’

argue

‘mom, it’s not like when
you were a kid… you have
know idea the pressure…’

push back

‘stop telling me what to do
i can make my own decisions
you are not the boss of me…’

disagree

‘i hate you. you think
you can control me,
but you can’t’

only then,
can they then
begin to
understand
and utter the words

‘oh my gosh…
now i know how mom felt’

‘i can’t believe
i talked like that to my dad…’

today
was
her
day…

she let everything said to her
in whatever tone they chose
roll down her back

she did not
take
the
bait

in fact
the tears
were of
happiness
understanding
and acceptance

their life
their choices
their pain
sorrows
and struggles

were not
about
her

she was
finally free…

not of
being their mom,
no, no, no
she loved
being their mom

she was untethered
from carrying
their burdens
she no longer
was the thread
to their needle

now
she was able
to soak up
the warmth
of the simplicity
of watching
the circle
the ring
the continuance
of life
pass
from
one
generation
to another…

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