no matter what at nautilus teachings

eyes

she looked into her eyes
knowing
she was the first
person she saw
the first arms
to hold her
the first kiss
on her cheeks
the first hand she held.
she looks at the old photos
and remembers
her first roll over
first tooth
step
word
smile.
the pictures are many.
first bike ride
learning to swim
first day of school
all her firsts…
she was witness too
her life.
she was her
memory keeper
she was the one
who aggravated her the most.
they butt heads,
were like oil and water,
but she loved her
and when the time came
and she could take no more
she told her to leave
to get out
to even fuck off…
she broke anything
that tethered them together
turned her back
and walked down the steps
into her box of shame
fell to the floor
and wept…

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it was like she lost
a part of her soul
a huge piece of her heart…
but then she would remember
her tiny voice singing,
“you are my sunshine…”
and for a brief moment
she would remember the days
of puddle jumping
hopscotch
jump roping
sleep over
sticky pancake kisses
never ending hugs
and the always said
“i love you moms…”
parenting is hard.
it hurts.
at times it sucks.
it is our ability to
pull from our boxed memories
the good,
happy
love
of life…
as parents we
forgive way too many times
we accept the unacceptable
we are witness to their weakness,
failures and pain
but we love-
we love them.
they are of us.
and if one day
they grow up
and we never hear from them again,
we have the music
the sound of their feet tapping
the smell of their perfume
the stretch marks
the colorful recollections
of a life we lived
with them for so long
knowing
trusting
believing
one day God
will bring them home…
we just hope
it’s before we take
our last breath…
love with kindness
listen without judgement
watch them grow up
out and away from you
and if they don’t follow your rules
that’s ok.
it’s their one life
and we have no right to ever say,
“i told you so…”
only to echo the words,
“i love you unconditionally-
no matter what…”

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