painting saves me at nautilus teachings

 

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2009-Studio-I sweep my paint into a curl accenting the bottom of the fishes fin. I dip the flat end of my brush into yellow and green and dab them on their tiny bodies to make their gills-they must have these to breathe. My color is beginning to surface and the white fizzy palette is being caressed by the soft quill of my mother’s love.
The basement taught me to fear dark
to fear the unknown and shadows
I need definition in my life
I need boundaries and rules to follow
I need to know
that when I put paint to canvas
the orange will not run into the yellow
that the black outlines will keep them safe
once they are placed upon the canvas
It taught me to shut up
To never have an idea or opinion
It taught me never to fight
if I did I would lose
I learned to be submissive
I learned to stay within the black outline
rules of my brothers
I learned that boys had power girls
could never possess
For the first time
I realized
the only one who could save me
would be myself
I had to learn to fight back
I crawl out the darkness
into the light
I hold my head up high
and climbed the basement step
until I am free
and wise old Mr. Hawksbill
is smiling along side of me.
I am surrounded by tiny blue fishes. I am swimming in the warm caribbean waters of my youth. With God’s light always there to guide me I feel safe. I let the tiny blueness of “Schools Out” surround me with peace tranquility and the knowledge that as I walk this healing path I am never ever alone.

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“Pausa…”

Way back
In the darkness
She sits all alone
Praying
That the demons
Will flee far from home
Oh she sits
In her silence
Beneath all the clothes
Crying
Tears of sadness
Oh please mom, come home.
But they wait
In the corners
And hide under beds
Demons
Dressed like brothers
With nubby white heads
It’s hot
In the closet
She must make a break
Faster
Than the devils
But their fingers rake
All over
Her body
They’re pulling her down
Screaming
While they taunt her
She pees on the ground
Above her
Is hanging
A spit drop so long
So grotesque
As he sucks it in
And swallows it down
Their laughter is ringing
Inside of her head
Poor girl
She is hiding
Beneath her big bed
At once
She starts praying
Reciting her lines
God
Give me some courage
And
Please, please, make me a fish
So I can swim far, far away…

dancing
dancing