premonitions, common sense and gut feelings at nautilus teachings

premonition
premonition

Common sense
Premonition
Gut instinct
I have built my life upon these
Common sense
Led me as a child to the closet under the steps

because I knew my brothers were not allowed in my parents room-
It would be safe
Premonition
I could feel the air being taken from my lungs
The minute one of them entered the house
I would still my body, slow my breathing,
The hair on my body stood straight up as I waited…
Gut instinct
My gut told me what they were doing was wrong
My gut told me if I complained and wined it could get worse
My gut told me to tattle on the little things
My gut told me revealing all could mean the unthinkable
Common sense
Mom praying in the dark meant their was trouble
Mom crying when I got home meant my brother was arrested
Police at my front door meant he was at it again
Premonition
Door closed, yelling, someone was going to leave-and did
Walk in happy, chair flies through the air, I better run-i stay
and hear and see my brother verbally abuse my father
This is wrong, don’t do it, he’s not the one, it won’t work-I said “I do,” knowing full well it would end
Gut instinct
Laughing, sneaking, in the dark-they were up to something
Searching, I find illegal plants in the crawl space growing
Cigarette smell, cross breeze, someone is smoking who is not supposed to be
So I stole her cigarettes because I wanted her to live
Knowing full well I would be found out and punished
Common sense
Told me my mother was dying
I was in the room when the doctor told her she had 6 months to live and to get her affairs in order
Common sense told me my father was lying each time he said, “your mother is not going to die…”
It told me my brother was scared when he moved across the country less than a year after our mother was diagnosed with leukemia
Premonition
Woke me from my sleep a month before my mother died
It told me wake up, she’s dying and you need to talk to her
Premonition told me my life was going to change in so many ways
That I needed to be prepared
Gut instinct
Saw my mother not recovering from blood transfusions as fast
Knew the color of her skin was becoming pale grey
Saw she is sleeping too much, don’t listen to your father

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In all of these feelings
Where do anger, regret and fear come in
I have known since I was small that I walked in grace
Touched by the hand of God when I “swallowed my tongue” and nearly died at the age of 5
I knew my whole life I was protected and safe internally
I was given this place
These whimsical images to make me smile
Laugh and see life in a different way
But through all my common sense, premonitions and gut instincts
I was scared
Angry and fearful
I had so many regrets that I doubted all of my natural indicators in life,
Do I believe in them?
Yes
Have they spoken to me and changed my life at times?
Yes
But I had to find the balance between feelings and knowledge
I could not be a fly by the seat of her pants kind of girl
It is like a teeter totter
My life
This
Wiggly balance
Of
Should I or shouldn’t I
When
The
Bad girl in me says
“Just do it!”
While the good girls
Starts pounding out
“What ifs…”