reality checking my wiggy brain at nautilus teachings

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whenever
mothers day comes around
i get wiggy…
you could call my mind
a reality wreck.
i start thinking
OMG, my mom died at 55
my grandma died at 55
i will be 54 in may
and the encircling
cyclone
inside of me
picks up every
left over scrap
of low self worth
even lower self esteem
and my box of shame
bursts wide open…
i do not want to die young
and i don’t know anyone who
wishes too…
but some of us do-
end of story.
in 1977 Billy Joel wrote
and crooned the song,

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we all wish to be remembered
to leave some impression upon
the lives of the people we knew
and loved
we want to be passed
down from generation to generation,
“hey do you remember grandma?
man, she was one crazy lady…
i remember every time i saw her
she would want me to talk about
how i was feeling
and then i had to either
write or paint it out…
man she was wide open with expression!
yeah, i miss her though…”
ha! i could only wish!
take my mom for instance.
i know there are plenty of her
friends who still think about her
but no one in my family talks
about her…
it’s almost kinda creepy.
on the rare occasion i get to see
my moms sister,
who i love, love, love
i can talk to her about mom
each word from her lips
heals me and feeds my soul…
but for now
my jellyfish brain
seems to keep
reattaching
to the tsunami
welling up inside…
i find myself
out of air
struggling to rise
and i feel the heaviness
of leaving this life-
i life i truly adore.
which is why i wrote the book
Our Walk
and published it
for you all to buy.
we need to tell our children
to ask us the questions
they think about
and if they say they have none,
this book
and your conversation with them
will set them upon
a personal footpath of wonder…
what if tomorrow you died?
you don’t have buy my book
but at least have the conversation,
and what better day
than Mother’s Day!

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