sanctuary at nautilus teachings

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at 16 i began
to find sanctuary
in churches…
i would drive
everywhere
to see anything
having no fear…
my car was rusted
and old
it had no radio
but with me
behind the wheel
and God in my soul
i was safe
and most important
i
was
free…
so,
i drove
to escape noise
to not hear
ugly words
to not see and feel
my mothers pain
i drove
while singing to myself
never afraid
of the unknown…
even snow storms
did not keep me home…
i found tiny churches
big churches
even
broken down ones
with stained glass windows
still in tact
but whenever i entered
this sacred place
i knew
beyond a shadow of a doubt
i
was
safe…

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i can remember
skidding on ice
into one parking lot
looking up
and there
was God-
a church all
illuminated
just waiting
for me…
i entered
scared,
shaking
on bended knee
eyes closed
tears streaming down
but always the same prayer,
“God,
please make me a fish
so i can swim far, far away…”
i always knew
with Him,
i was home
safe
and loved…
no matter where i drove
i found His beauty
on unending roads
dirt highways
and upon every corner
in most towns…
the feeling of walking
into safety
calmed my heart
and soothed my soul…
life today is not like this
sanctuary doors
are locked at night…

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i can remember
being in my 30’s
driving alone
finding a church at midnight
because i was scared
pulling upon the door
only to be greeted by
steel stillness…
i knew God was there
that one step
inside the lit
sanctuary
would calm me
assure me
i would be ok…
but i felt abandoned
alone
and very scared.
life today
is not
that of my youth.
i don’t drive
any where i do not
know the directions too…
i have now,
a fear of night
of the unknowing
what is hiding
behind a tree,
car
or even a door…
the world changes
every year
and honestly
i am continually grateful
that i am aging,
i don’t want to be alive
in 100 years…seeing
how corrupt our government is
how entitled youth can be
how unimportant
some see education
how split up families are…
i want the 60’s back
apple pie,
chevrolet,
church,
walking everywhere
and the freedom of
believing
i am
unbreakable…

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i want to get in my car
and drive away-
anywhere, really
and know
when i see
the lights of a church
of God’s earthy home
i can not just
knock on the door
and He will answer,
but i can turn the knob
and feel
His grace, light and love
encompass me
inviting me to take refuge
within the walls
of what i know
to be home…

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