sobriety at nautilus teachings

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being drunk…

a small number
of people
can honestly say
i have never tied one on…
but for most of us
we have had a time
or a few times
when we wake up
thinking,
‘did i really text…’
‘omg! i can’t believe i said than’
‘that was so much fun,
but what was his name?’
this is usually followed
by a forehead slap
a giggle or
we just pull the covers
over our head
and fall back to sleep
hoping when we wake up again
wishing it was all just
a nightmare…
this is normal!
then there are those of us
who lived with
alcoholics
drug addicts
abusers…
who never got
the chance to wake up
because every day
this was our living life.
granted one we chose
one we did not leave,
for whatever reasons
and one who’s scars
are etched upon
our souls as if it were yesterday…
i will not label this ptsd
but i can tell you
all it takes is a song,
a smell
a raised voice
or a place
to zap me back
to my yesterdays…
at the slightest hint
of anger
altercation
or drunkenness
i leave.

9925ec679e8c29040c4a424ded6079adyou are more likely

to find me
in a corner at any
gathering
than amidst
all the smiling conversations.
d is lucky if i even leave
his side,
he knows how
traumatic my life has been
he gets what it does to me
he understands
that anxiety
and fear
can suffocate me
in an instant,
he knows if he
gets angry
or even yells
it just sends me
weeping into darkness
i am inconsolable
and that it may take
a few days of self love
to come up smiling again…
which brings me to
sobriety.
i have many beautiful friends
who i love
who embrace
and thrive
in their sobriety
and then there are a few
i know who are what
d calls
‘dry drunks…’
dismissive
abusive
accusatory
blaming
mean spirited
f’heads…
these few-(for us 3 peeps)
were all embraced
every time they got sober
given a place to stay
loved
taken care of
supported…
then over and over
they went back
to drinking…
now,
after years of torturing
those who loved them
at their worst
they have turned
their backs
on the love given
and now labeled
with words
too vile to print…
they are leading
sober lives
destroying
much around them
not being accountable
for their past
not asking for
forgiveness
nothing
accept blaming
those that loved
them
at their lowest of lows…

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for me
the worst part
is their memory.
they don’t remember
most of what they said
or what they did
they don’t remember your
kindness
they think
you are to blame
for their missing
clothing
jewelry
trailers
boats…
they are incapable of seeing
you held
the family together
cleaned up all their
messes
did the best you could
in the hurricane
of a life they created
for you all to live in…
the verdict is still
inconclusive to
whether or not
alcoholism
is a disease…
one thing i know
for sure is
while
he may be sober
devoting his life
to missionary work
while his daughter
thinks he hangs the moon
and stars
or he may be
running marathons
living the good life
while blaming
his mother and family
or he,
now lying with hospice
will be leaving behind
a beautiful family
that loved him…
while all this is happening
it only takes
one small thing
for survivors
of their storms
to be drowning
once more
in the memories
they cannot forget
or erase
because in those
long years of
taking care of them
they lost themselves
and in their recovery
the light still blinks,
‘maintenance required soon…’

th