the card at nautilus teachings

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the card arrived
unexpectedly.
for two weeks
i had been getting
Merry Christmas emails
each one i deleted
and did not open.
it’s his way of
“being funny”
passing on to the masses
of which i am one ,
these crass, witless and rude
poems, stories…
today an envelope.
should i pitch it?
tear it up?
burn it?
scream at it?
i looked at the handwriting
i spit upon the envelope
my tears drip, drip, drip
over the script
and my heart breaks…
28 years ago last July
my mom died.
25 years ago november
he married her.
i turned the card over
and begin barely
peeling off the crease
of the envelope,
i rip the card
from its holding spot
on the front –
a tree…
inside,
hand written
“seasons greetings,
i hope you enjoy this gift card…”

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really?
really?
WTF?
no feeling
emotion
or sentiment.
i will not use it
i will burn it
the flames will erase
his memory…
there is nothing he can do,
nothing he can say.
four years ago i forgave.
four years ago i released him,
and today
he is just
the phone call
i ignore,
the voice
i do not want to hear
the ache,
longing,
and absence,
for something he could never be…
in forgiving him
i let him go
i accepted who he was,
began a new path with him,
yet
in the few conversations
the minimal words exchanged
i came to understand
he was just born broken.
i was from him
and no matter how many years
he or i walk this earth
we will never
ever
be connected…

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so,
the
card
sits…
it
waits…
and
as
i
walk
passed
it,
my eyes close,
i tear up,
my heart yearns
for him to one day
look me in the eye
and say,
“i love you, Sher…”
and really mean it.
the card.
me.
there is no connection,
only emptiness
for what could have,
should have
and would have been…
if you have in your life today
someone who makes you
feel this way,
or similar,
maybe ,
just maybe
you can do what i do…


give it all to God
and rest easily
in the knowing
this is not about you
you are enough
people are born broken
they never learn how to love
and all God wants us to do
is accept them
listen to them
love them
and when the day is done
give it all right back to God…
he cannot help
who he is not
he will never change,
so the card-
it sits,
i sleep,
i wake up to it.
the flatness of it
upon the granite
catches my eye
i scoop it up
open the trash
and throw it in…
and at that moment
the song,
“only the good die young…”
flashes through my brain.
i close my eyes
fall to my knees
and pray
“God,
tell my mom i miss her
and also let her know
i had to let him go…”

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