the woman, part 2 at nautilus teachings

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the woman
with long gray hair
big, twinkling brown eyes
who is covered in speckles
of blue paint and
who lives in darkness
on the far side of the cliff
gazes outside at her
just delivered yesterday
birthday gift…
her son bought her
a three wheeled bike
put on a roof for shade
and two big baskets
for groceries
for her to ride
the short distance
into town for supplies…
living alone, is what she always
dreamed and yearned of
what her soul screamed out for
since she was small…
her entire life
she fought demons
their words
their punches
their stench
and now
she sits
in her home
where all the interior doors
have been removed
where every wall
tells a story of her life
as she lives alone
on a high cliff
with weather encircling her
knowing
this is home…
she wears the same clothes
day after day
falls into slumber easily
after her hot showers
and counts the cracks
in her skin…
she writes words upon them
as a memory of each abuse
she survived
this makes her feel strong
never alone…
two or three times a year
she packs her small bag
with clean clothes
puts on makeup
and travels to see her kids
and grandkids…

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she loves them all so much
but life
causes her too much pain
noise infiltrates her every pore
and overloads her sensory system
so,
small doses
a few times a year
is like a warm healing balm…
she stockpiles the feeling
of every hug and kiss
memorizes every song
they sing together
can recite books they read
at night time
and fills up her heartstrings
with imaginary film reels
full of small hands and feet
grown happy children
and the knowing
she was part of something
so big
it scared her…
her true love
was taken from her
so many years ago.
he always knew
she would
be
alone,
he also knew
she would be
ok…
she misses his silly dances
his standing poolside
talking through the glass,
‘what this…you want this?’
this memory makes her giggle
and feel young again
missing his soft touch
his quiet kiss
the touch of his hand…
these memories
give her comfort
God gave her true love
and for that she is
forever grateful
which is why she retreats
to live by herself
in silence
letting the
grace, light and love of God
heal her through the cracks
during the day
and why at night
she lay weeping
under millions of stars
retelling over and over
her life story
night after night
not believing
she really survived…

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she misses her love
his silly voices
making her laugh
but she was overflowing
with happiness and love
when he left her
to go home to God…
she closed her heart
locked it up tight
and vowed
from here on in
faith would be her companion…
she has boxes full of drawings
from her grandchildren
letters of love and kindness
from her grown children
so many photos
she could wallpaper
her home in them
art journals of
her love for her husband
paintings from life…
every day she waits
for the mail
to be delivered
to open up
life…
oh the warm rush
of love
when she cracks the seam
of paper
revealing so much
color and words
she can hardly contain
her joy…
yet she chose
to leave it all behind
upon the last breath
of her love…
she could bare
no more pain
sadness
and loss
no man would ever
touch her again
sing to her
make her laugh
or say the words
i love you, blonde…
her connection
and love
for her family
was enough
to keep her breathing,
it buoyed her
along with her faith…
today
as she sits in the darkness
light barely
fracturing
the stillness
she closes
her watered eyes
tears stream down
her aging cheeks
as her fingers catch them
she brings them to her lips
kissing the beauty
of her life
and the knowing
one day soon
she will join her love
eternally…

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