the tapes at nautilus teachings

the tapes
the tapes

i pushed the
play button
on the
mini recorder
my voice
spills forth
the date
september 5th, 2006…
and
BAM!
his voice
is screaming
accusing
blaming
whining
complaining
and repeating
over and over
mine
mine
mine
i want
my stuff
my money
calling me
name after name
there is no mention
of his children
no apology
no tears
and then
i hear him whisper
to his crack whore girlfriend
something
i cannot decipher
and i know
from
my inner core
to the
tips of the hair
on my head
he can never hurt
me again

he does not define me
he does not define me

i play the messages-
there are 4-
over and over
i know he is altered
my memory
forces images
and i smell the
familiar stench
nothing is clean
nothing is safe
nothing is sacred
we
were
nothing
to him…
the words end
i play one more time
the first message
the one
that is the most ugly
when it stops
i eject the tape
i place it back
in its case
and
calmly breath in
the blessings
of my life…

self love
self love

5 hours later
my ears
still hurt
from the noise
so i calm
i still
and
i listen
a melodic pulse
reverberates across
my soul
and i hear
chanting
water falling
chimes
ringing gently
in a soft breeze
and then
the familiar
tug
the envelopment
of my entire being
with
God’s
grace
light
love
energy
acceptance
and forgiveness.
i am
buoyant.
the tethering
which once
bound me
to the bottom
is gone
replaced
by strength
courage
confidence
voice
self-worth
stillness
and
flight

my journey i share, teach...
my journey i share, teach…

i was standing
at the top of
my spiral staircase
who’s foundation
was
and will always
be
my
Faith…
memories-

some are hard lessons
some break us open
and some warm our hearts
making us smile
yet it is
through the storms
with Faith
as my shield
that i can
ride the tsunami
safely
into shore
without
even a
scratch
marveling at
what a wonderful
world
this is…