trust at nautilus teachings

 


“say it,
SAY IT,
if i don’t hear it from
your lips
then i know i have
lost my mind…”
but HE was quiet
silent
staring at her
“what the fuck is going on?
how can he be here?”
still
nothing
from HIM…
“i don’t understand it
he’s fat
with a long scraggly beard
he looks like a
duck dynasty guy
he’s found Jesus…
i know
i know
i know
this sounds crazy
but i am telling you
I SAW him TODAY!!!”
HIS eyes are searching her
HE is patiently waiting
for her to take a breath
but she keeps yammering on
about him…
when is she going to realize
even if he comes back
she is strong enough now
to handle him
no matter what he looks like
or what comes out of his mouth?
crap,
she got her license to carry
two months ago
she knows how to defend herself
HE will not be her baby sitter
EVER…
“oh, my God
oh, my God
oh, my God…
this just can’t be
i must be hallucinating…”
tears are running down steadily
literally pouring from
her huge brown bear eyes
her lip is quivering
her legs shaking
as if she is feeling a cold chill
but HE waits
not uttering a word…


what HE really wants to do
is yell at her,
“are you an idiot?
why do you care?
he can live anywhere he wants,
including here…”
HE wants to shake her
til she stops
mostly,
HE just wants to walk away
and leave her to her madness.
but,
HE doesn’t
HE will never leave her
HE will just be her rock
her sounding board
eventually HE will cradle her
dry her tears
and then the two of them
will giggle over this
dramatic escapade
her truly over re-acting
to a fleeting image
which she believes
to be him…
this is how it’s been
her whole life.
HE has waited
listened
carried
held
forgiven
loved
healed
but she is
and always has been lost
when it comes to
dealing with memories
she carries them deep
wears them like a tattoo
etched upon her
forever…
HE’S told her over and over
to let it go
give it to HIM
HE will take care of it
to trust HIM…
but she
barley trusts herself
how could she possibly trust
anyone else,
even HIM?


she’s keeping watch on the window
from her home as she cooks
does laundry and works…
the boys are barking at every car
keeping her nerves gliding
across the rim
of a total melt down…
she checks her stored pistol
makes sure it’s loaded
moves it to within reach
she is afraid to take a shower
all she can think about it the car
the man
him
driving
everywhere she went today
there
he
was…
is he waiting until nightfall?
until she is fast asleep?
what could he possibly want now?
she continues to doubt HIM
so HE begins pacing
this stirs the locks of her hair
and she freezes…
she knows HE is here
because HE is always here
HE never leaves her…
HE reaches out to her
she feels HIS warmth
falls into HIM
and then the words,
“oh GOD… i know you are here
with me
i know you are beside me
holding me
watching
listening
shrugging your shoulders
waiting for me to remember
your promise.
please forgive me
for ever doubting you.
protect me
keep me safe
i give all my fears up to you
in Jesus name,
AMEN…”
then HE smiles.
HIS girl is back
in his pocket
HE is carrying her
through all her hard times
dancing with her
in all the good
rejoicing with her
daily…
HE loves her…
she calms
closes the blinds
jumps into the shower
and washes away
the day terrors
of memory…
she thinks to herself,
“yes, it’s just that,
those are memories
even though they are ugly
and hurtful
i own them.
but,
they are no longer me…”
she smiles
lights a candle
settles down with her boys
and once more
begins to pray…