we all grasp at nautilus teachings

15

at night demons come
as dusk falls
trepidation
anxiety
tension
memories
of a life
chosen
yet trapped
within
invade me,
take over,
my breathing increases
as i one by one
i light the candles
bringing into my life
the light of God
His grace and acceptance
making me feel whole
and settling me…
i sit,
close my eyes
and begin to wonder…

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how many of us are grasping?
drowning?
how many suffocating?
wondering when they are going
to get that
drip, drip,drip
the calming balm
the healing liquid
the warm rush
and enter into the numbness
of life?
thinking they are crazy
not being able to handle
the rush, rush, rush
of everyday demand
as easily as everyone else they know…
we rise already behind schedule
running a list through
our head of what we have to do
walk the dog
feed the kids
run
make lunches
check homework
get everyone out the door
get coffee
and be on time…
all the while the nike ad is running
through their head,
“just do it,
do it,
do it…”
over and over
like a skipping record.

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i think to myself
what if they can’t just do it?
what if today they want to
fall on the ground and cry?
what if they want to curl up
in a corner
lick their wounds
and be sad?
what if today they just can’t be enough?
just can’t fulfill all the demands
upon them?
what if today
they want to walk into the ocean
and float
letting the waves
roll over them
washing them in and out
like the ebbing and flowing
of the tide…
what if they just want to lay upon
the sandy beach
like a barnacled shell
waiting for someone to
find them
pick them up
dust them off
and pop them into their pocket
taking them home…
or maybe they want to be that shell
that tops a sandcastle
part of someones lasting memory
that shines in their “selfie”
they post of what they did today…
and maybe
just maybe
parts of them want to be
that glistening starfish
or perfect sand dollar
that’s discovered
by a beachcomber
who is wandering
lazily, lost
in a trance or dream…

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i am grasping
at the long tethering seagrasses
which bind me to my life
wondering whether or not
i continue to swim
or choose to float
buoyantly off into the sunset…
do i want to be slammed
down upon the shore
do i want to face the upcoming storms
or do i want to succumb
to the numbness
go back into my closet
under the red wooden steps
and just be Fancy Finns
swimming with wise old Mr. Hawksbill…
i open my eyes
Reef and Finn are snoring, dead asleep
their bodies so limp
hanging half on and off the sofa…
i smile
look around
and thank God for my life…
meditation saves me
it allows my racing thoughts
to calm
for me to center
to breath in
light
energy
love
and faith…
there will be days
when i cannot
“just do it”
yet even at the lowest tides
i still must remember
i am loved
and i am enough…

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