30 years ago today

 

in 48 hours
from today
as i sit writing this,
30 years ago
july 20th
my mother took
her last breath
and i have never
fully recovered
from the loss,
nor do i plan on it.
sure, i could take
down the photos of her
grab her blue suitcase
filled with her
wedding gown
and small pieces of her,
take the quilt she knit
as a girl scout
that is falling apart
i could even take her
jewelry box
that sits in my
home studio
and the letters
she wrote me
buy a Tupperware bin
box it up
put in in storage
and walk away,
letting pieces of her
sit
in
silence,
live
in
darkness,
hoping
they fade from memory
believing forgetting
is the best thing
sheri can do
to heal her self…


BULLSHIT!
i was her daughter.
she was my mother.
we were both
blessed
to have each other
as safe refuges
to cry, talk, dream
and just be,
and
i
miss her.
i have no-one to share
this loss with.
my three brothers
and father
never talk about her…
i used to text them
all on the 20th
but their
lack of response
taught me
i was crossing
a line
they could not…
each one has their own reason,
i suppose
and if i asked d
he may say,
‘that’s just how men are…’
maybe so,
but being the little sister
the baby of the family
and the only girl
i hoped just once
they would call me
cry with me
tell me
they miss her…
maybe
they
DON’T.
sure,
my dad remarried
three years after
my mother
lost her life to cancer,
but he married her good friend
who had lost her husband
and i thought,
‘what a perfect match…
we can all still talk about
mom because there
were 40 years of shared
friendship and memories…’
but
NO.
even
my aunt,
her sister
does not talk
about
dory,
at least to me
on the rare chance
i get to see her…
i tried several times to call her
just to hear her voice
which sounds like my moms
and ask her to tell me stories
of mom,
but
NO.
my adult children
all know about
grandma angels,
they have heard my pain
they know my
yearly rituals
of this sad day
as does my love…


but how nice it would be
for someone
anyone
who knew
dory,
loving
kind
giving
sweet
beautiful
dory
to watch the sun rise
with me
as i pray
to God
on the beach
my mother loved,
or ring up my phone
ask me how i am
or share a story
about her…
loss
is
never-ending.
no matter how much
you say you have
moved on,
healed,
locked it away…
if that person
you loved and lost
could come back
and see you
stand face to face
what would they think?
could they see
the memory of them
in your home
your heart
hear them in your words?
we are supposed
to accept loss
as part of life
and reattaching
to another spouse
is healthy
normal
ok…
but how do you
just forget
the years you spent
with them?
i do not idolize my mother
nor do i put her
up on a pedestal
i accepted her as a flawed woman
years ago
but it cannot erase
the fact
that i am her daughter
and i love
and miss her…
we had that
magic connection
loved hanging out
running errands
sipping wine…
she was the only person
in my life
thus far
that i have
ever had it with…
so,
today,
for those of you
who actually read me
i have a favor to ask…
whomever that person
is for you
that you love so much
trust
and are heart to heart
close to
no matter who it is
call them up
tell them you l love them
and share a memory
to make them giggle…
laughter
is good for the soul
and love
never ends…