a mothers dream at nautilus teachings

 

 

today
she awoke
sad…

actually,
sadder
than sad…

the saddest
she had felt
in a long time…

she did not feel lonely
but she did feel alone
she was not hurt
but humbled
not angry
but flat
absolutely
no emotion
at all…

like she was
riding a conveyor belt
on a wide sidewalk
with flashing lights
everywhere
flashing,
‘life, life, life…’

at moments she felt a pause
of movement
as she stared at her hopes
and dreams
she had listed in her heart
so many years ago
on the day
her children took
their first breath…

then it would jerk her forward
into the reality
‘their life
is not her choice…’
‘she can do nothing
to change their paths’
‘they will do
whatever they want’
‘they will never ask for
or take
any advice from her’
‘she was a bystander,
now…’

sure
she can see long lists
of items
in their lives
which need attention
and she yearns to be able
to stop the motion
step off
pull them aside
and for once
just have them
listen to her,
even if all they do
is smile,
nod
and roll their eyes
while hugging her…
she just wants
the opportunity
to use her voice
calmly
lovingly
with kindness
and grace
with her faith
guiding her…

‘i don’t believe in religion,’
‘i don’t believe in the bible’
i don’t believe….’

the list goes on
as she sits at a table
with people she gave birth to
raised in the faith
hoping
they to would believe….
her ears
tune out conversations
as her eyes
catch those
of the man she loves…
he knows
this is crushing her
he sees the tears
welling up
he feels her pain
her disappointment
and knows
tomorrow
when all is over
everyone has gone home

she
will
be
sad…

it did not help
that the skies were gray
the air damp
and cold
with water
sprinkling
the earth
as she
dressed herself
in black
washed her face
dried her tears
and smiled
into the mirror
knowing
what she witnessed
was
shit,
and
it hurt…

so she hopped into her car
and took off
to nowhere…
she needed space
in a place that was not
her home
not where they had been
slept
played
laughed
and
walked silently
around her
never stopping
or taking time
to sit
and fill her in
on what their heart
was going through
what may be
hurting them
just any piece
she could attach to…

there never was
a designated spot
no gift to her
of opening up
and so this fast
moving ribbon of life
just passed her by
drowning her
at every turn
stealing away
her breath
and any chance
at participating
in their lives journey
unless
she
stayed
silent…

she holds
a sadness
in her eyes…

she carries it
deep within her soul…

the heaviness
of a loss
she never detached from,
a loss so great
at times
she
could
barely
breathe…

it’s slowly
killing her
this wave
after wave of emotion…
every time she
prepares to
‘paddle into their swell’,
just as she is cresting
about to make the turn,
BAM
she is slammed to the ground
over and over…
there is no intention to harm her
just the pull away
from a hug
the lack of conversation
the cold shoulder
when what she thought
would be a time
of celebration
planning
preparation
and conversation
turned into
a flat shiver
intermittent passing
and then
poof
gone
disappearance
and
she
was left
holding
sad
pain
and emptiness…

he came home for lunch
saw her eyes and said,

‘you’ve been crying…’

this time
she fell into him
looked up
and replied,
‘nope…
i was just violently
awoken
from a wonderful dream…’