abandonment at nautilus teachings


it was january of 2005
when he left
her and the children…
walked right out the door
and into the arms of his mistress-
drugs and alcohol.
she remembers the woosh
of the door slamming
like air being completely
sucked out of her lungs
she can still smell the fume
of his truck
hear the screech of his tires
upon the pavement-
this was the day
he abandoned them all.
it was also one of the most
life changing days
of her small life.
as she walked back into the garage
she noticed open boxes and luggage
all with pieces ripped from them-
yet light still beamed in from the
tiny windows creating
the essence of peace.
a puddle formed upon the center
of the room
and as she walked up
she caught her reflection
and then walked right through the middle
creating a ripple effect –
she thought
‘this is what i will do to your world…
i will rip it apart piece by piece
reclaiming every inch of it as mine.
your poison left with you
from today on
abandonment = freedom…’

years ago,
when she was so small
peering out at the big world
perched upon her window sill
of the second story gray house
she was a child in-
even then,
she knew
she would one day
be able to speak
and be herself…
but at the age of only 5
she herself, discarded
the mirrored image of herself
and walked headfirst
into the storm…
she had no choice
but to be enveloped
and controlled
by the harsh reality
which surrounded her.
but she also learned
happiness was free.
she marveled at
lily of the valley blooms
while she lay beneath them
pretending to hear their chimes
all the while singing
‘jesus loves me, this i know…’
she loved rolling down the hill
landing under the grapevine
to dream
or crunching through the leaves
fallen from all the big oak trees
across the street in Lords park
while gathering acorns
to paint faces of her pretend family upon…
at the same time
she was vigilantly
perceptive to danger
breaking of sticks
from feet
the boom boom boom
of them racing up
the red wooden steps
or the screen door slamming
she knew what to listen for
when and where to hide
only most of the time
she was so caught up in her
imaginary world
they trapped her.

she never fought back
accept to tattle
which really only made it worse
for her the next day.
yes, in january of 2005
when he left
she began
creating the life
she always imagined
finding out
she embraced
the mapped
scarred body
of memory
she walked around in…
his abandonment of the family
left her holding life
in the palm of her hand
only her hands were weak
so she gave it all to God
every day
and as God’s unconditional
love and forgiveness
wrapped around her,
she grew strength
her roots unbreakable
and just like the mermaid Ariel,
she opened her lips
and began to sing…

“Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see…”