aging=unlearning at nautilus teachings


is part of

i stopped
doing cartwheels
and roller skating
in my 30’s
and i started
knitting like a crazy person
cross stitch
i began journaling again…
in fact,
i tried anything creative
to add to my already
painting artsy self

in my 40’s
i stopped
sitting crosslegged
indian style
stopped eating junk food
gave up soda
and ceased riding a bike
due to my balance issues
and i began to
grow up
find inner strength
accept my unacceptable life choices
as being mistakes
that could be fixed
i found courage
to break off ties
with every person
who made me feel
so small and worthless
closed the door
on 45 years of life

my 50’s have opened
me up to even more
i can no longer sit
on the floor
without being punished
for weeks by my hips
and back…
it’s not the getting down
that is tough
it is the getting up
hearing my body say,
‘you idiot…sit on a chair…’
but how do you do that
with grandchildren?
i can no longer sit
for hours on end
to write
or paint
i gave up all small
creative outlets
that require my hands
because holding a pen
is hard enough
let alone a needle
and thread
and on the rare day
i feel brave enough
to do ‘tiny’ work
i pay for it with aching
hands for days…
just picking up
and carrying Ry around
has led to numerous
numbness issues
which has led me to
sitting on my balance ball
for many things
using my back machine
three times a day again
and monthly massages
to try and ease
my tingling fingers
back and legs…

which means finding
a new chair
for my art
and writing desks
making sure i hit
the gym at least
4 days a week
walking in full
back support shoes
rethinking what
bra i wear
and remembering
to do the stretches
my massage therapist
taught me to do-


even when i feel
no pain or numbness

i am happy to embrace these
new ways to approach living
i am looking forward to
growing old with d
watching and being a big part
of all of our grandchildren
and one day
great grand children’s lives
but right now
in this moment
of every muscle aching
feeling tired to the bone
all i really want
is to start up the spa
and fall asleep in there
because of course
i caught the cold
everyone has been
posting about
and i am currently under
a blanket
a comforter
three layers
under my robe
and a heating pad
and i am still shaking….

i am
unless i am sick
and i am über
OCD clean
when it comes
to being in pubic places…

how do i unlearn
wishing my mom was here
to hold me
make me some soup
with noodles
just needing her hug?
i don’t.
i wrap myself up
close my eyes
and wait for
the love of my life
to come home
his arms
will be enough
and the boys will
sleep next to me
keeping me warmer
than i have ever needed
and that tomorrow
is another day
to continue
taking care of me
one hour at a time…

prayers for quick healing, please!

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