ancestory.you at nautilus teachings

the poison
began
decades and
generations
before
she was born…

the pain
agony
and crazy…
just all of it
was hard wired
like an over loaded
electrical circuit
and imbedded
in every corner
each paint layer…
in fact
if you sat
in silence
within
the old
broken
cracked
and peeling walls
of this
humble small
2 story
white house
that sat perched
upon the
corner
in a dreary
sleepy
suffocate all your dreams
town
you could hear
the wailing
the moaning
shouting
and feel
spirits
all around you
blocking
your very exit
while awake
and while you slept
they slowly
IV drip
drip
dripped
a deep rooted
impossible to kill
contagion
that would one day
have every soul
born and raised
under its roof
needing to escape
by means of any vice
they could find
in the hopes
of silencing the voices
in their head
that repeated
over and over
you are
worthless
you are a mistake
you are damaged
you are a demon…

the house
itself,
weeped
from the the eves
with secrets of shame
abuse
and unaccountability
it had witnessed
suicide attempt
after attempt
drug addiction
alcohol abuse
adultery
beatings
and held so many tears
it was a wonder
it did not
just fall to the ground
into a million tiny
pick up stick pieces…

once you left
this somber
in need of love
and repair dwelling
you had a stock pile
of masks to wear,
were a perfectionist
at lying
and knew how to
not just control
someone else,
you knew how
to weave yourself
so thoroughly
into their every pore
that they truly believed
without you
there
was
no
life…

this
is
what
her
ancestors
left her in their wills
insanity
depression
agression
self hatred
clawing her way
up towards
the fresh air
only to consistently
lose her grasp
and fall deeper
into the
cupboard
where all
the skeleton keys
were held
ever searching
for the
right one
to unlock
her trapped mind
and let sanity
love
warmth
and happiness
begin to grow…

she fought
truths
for years…
it was the fear
of being loved
for exactly who she was
a creative
natural
beauty
who chose
being alone
over company
and instead chose
to live within
the boundaries
she was raised…
fool everyone
with your kindness,
smile,
have lots of friends
and when someone
gets to close
let loose such a
brutal verbal assault
the person
will be stunned,
stabbed so deeply
with words
all they could do
was beg
YOU
to forgive
THEM…

this was
the twisted
lie
she
lived

UNTIL

one day
she
met
him…

soft
kind
driven
honest
hardworking
devoted
caring
all of these
attributes
strangled
every bad seed
in her
causing them
to take
root
in
his love for her
and
she
bloomed…
she smiled
she laughed
but mostly
she loved
and
let love fill her up
until it was
dripping all around
her tiny toes
inviting her
to dance
sing
and to love
him
with
every breath
she took…

today
she stands
at a precipice
does she accept
the love
she always dreamed of
let herself
be encompassed
with the healing balm
of him
or does she stay
turn around
reject this joy
put on her mask
and enter the
hanging by one hinge door
at the top of the
crooked steps
and allow
the past
to rule her
entirety?

sometimes
we have to leave
behind
those
who taught us
false love
we need to let go
of the blood ties
and attach
to what God
put us here to do~

LOVE

honestly,
with no masks
no anger
no hatred
and let the
healing balm
of our
faith
transfuse our life
turn it completely
around
upside down
and inside out
as it shakes
off all the barnacles
attached to us
in the mending wind
strengthening our core
to withstand
the onslaught
of their ugly words,

‘look what you did…
you ruined our family…
how can you hurt us like this…’

as you close your eyes
hold the hand
of love
truth
honestly
and faith,
look them in the eyes
smile
turn
toward
the grace, light and love
of God
knowing
faith buoys you
love sustains you
and truth shields you…