arguments + love = forgiveness at nautilus teachings

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the anger resonated
across her body.
he was on fire
running full throttle
for what seemed like eons…
the tremor began in her
with the first rise of
his voice
slowly it
pulsated through
her entire being.
she felt it first
in her fingertips
soon, her hands were shaking
and as the fear
encompassed her
entire body
she gave in
to the black wave
of despair…
she was being sucked down
in the speeding circular current
as the the words echoed –
“you are an idiot, stupid,
unkind, a bad mother…”
they were not his real words
but they were the words
she was hearing…
he was taking out everything
upon her
and she just could not handle it
she wanted to run away
or better yet,
shoot him in the head
to just shut him up
because once he starts
nothing can stop him
and she is held captive…
if she even tries to rise
things will get worse…
she was surrounded by
upwellings of her past
she was gasping for breath
and there was no way out…

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she wanted him to hear
the words he was hurling
she wanted him to
break open and grab her close
hold her, and cry with her
that he was sorry for
taking life out his hurt upon her…
but he did not…
he kept on
and when she finally left the room
he would pop in and check
on her-
never holding her
still pushing her down
those steps…
“you cannot hide
under the red steps
get out here…”
her entire body shook
her teeth were chattering
like she was frozen
and for this moment
her heart was just that…
“where did this come from?” she thought
did she need to slowly pack up
and begin to leave him
did she want to stay and wait
for the day when his full anger
surfaced and instead of words
being hurled it would be his fist?
anger scared her.
how could she have put herself
in this place
AGAIN?

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yes,
it was rare he exploded
but
with her aging
her seeing how much of life
she missed out on
she spoke…
“when you feel your anger
creeping in
you must have an escape plan
to alleviate your red energy…”
she sat back and thought about
their life together…
they did love each other immensely
they were a perfect match,
really
the life they built was strong
he is allowed to be angry
and so is she…
but no one is allowed to
verbally attack anyone…
she was not a quitter
BUT
no more living in fear
of anyone…
she rose from her desk
walked around her home
as the tears flowed
soon she was on the floor in pain
“i will not live like this…”
she said.
“i am a good person…”
when she was finished
she folded her shame up
inside her heart
looked up toward God
and prayed,
“Lord, it’s you and me…
show me the way.”
just then her phone rang
and it was him…
“ugh! i don’t want to talk to him
i don’t want another apology, God…
i want him to learn to talk to me
to listen to me
to show empathy…
to control his anger…
i know when he’s stressed
worn out
had enough
and feels off-
why oh why can’t he see it ?”
she breathes in an out
her surroundings one more time
“i love him God,
plain and simple…
help him
it’s not to late
to teach the old dog new tricks…
i just wish he would fall into me
talk with me,
not at me
and see
i am strong
where he is weak
and for once
let our love be
the foundation
he stands upon-
not the past…”
the two of them
will heal
the two of them will grow closer
how do i know this?
they both embrace
forgiveness and love.

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