born free at nautilus teachings

d22e7eefa4e6dadfe136f8b371b99551

are we
truly
born free?
once we take our
first breath
scream out to the world,
“i am here…”
we begin learning
absorbing
becoming
reflections
of our parent
grandparents
siblings
friends…
society may be
completely different
from our surroundings
it may teach different beliefs, even
but as children
we emulate our parents
we learn how to
be
freely
mini copies of them…
screeeeech
halt…
today i ask you,
if you are raising a young person
is that what you really wish
are you so self absorbed
so rooted in exactly
who you are-
the good and the bad
that you need no improvement?
i for one can say
without a doubt
when i raised my kids
the only things
i passed onto them
from my childhood
was faith
love
and giving…
the rest of it
i buried
knowing
i was not my mother
i did not want to be
my father
what i dreamed of
was taking pieces
of people i loved
and becoming
a whole me
to pass onto my
little mini’s…

20d6cbce7587fd3da0df3c084d53b990
but
i found out
that my youth
was superglued to me…
i was never strong enough
never found my voice
i had no courage
i just
had
faith, love and giving…
sure, that may sound
like enough
or at least a good foundation
and i think it is
an excellent way to be
rooted to life
but everything else
was blech!
so i kept our world small
never over indulged them
tried to shelter them
from all the ugly
but ultimately
i failed…
i subjected my children
to a broken marriage,
not a place for them
to feel bound to.
it was more a place
for them to wish to flee
and in some way
i loved that…
i wanted them to find their own path
to live the life of their dreams
i needed them to not be home
all the time
so they would not hear and see
the pain
i chose to let be continually
inflicted upon me
for so so so long…
this is my harsh reality
my failure
as a mom
and woman…
when i finally broke us all free
from the darkness
they were already formed
already on the way out.
i missed a lot of their
teen years
because i was trying to
find out who i was,
finding my voice
my strength
letting my colors out
i was putting myself first
all the while holding the family
together…

Art

i don’t want an award
or a pat on the back for it
at all,
i am sharing this with you
because once i
began figuring it out
i grew into a happy person…
and now am finding joy
in every day life
opening new doors
walking new paths
ending old friendships
beginning new…
why?
self respect
self love
acceptance
forgiveness
release…
so imagine my inner joy
when less than a year ago
one of my children said to me,
“mom, i cannot wait to get to know
who you really are…”
i cried.
and then i began
an inner journey
of expression outwardly
to my children
of who there mom was-
hence,
the boxes i post about
every month.
i broke my life into 12 months
and am telling them
“mom’s story…”
i wanted them to know
what made me the mother i was
why i stayed
but more importantly
why i left
and how i found
my path-at 50-
the one i knew from birth
i was called to journey upon
but allowed
everyone else to dictate
who i was
what i did
where i lived…
why?
that was my foundation
what i was built from…
sometimes in life
we must break free
from that which tethers us…
are we truly born free?
yes.
the question is
are you living free
or are you
emulating
that which you
know to not be your truths
but the beliefs of those
who raised you?
it’s a big question,
one most will laugh off
ignore
and think i am crazy for asking…
we are all free
to live the life
we choose
and for me
i choose
my truth…

2e13308f032b7a2cf967d2f24a45f674