changing tides at nautilus teachings

 

what happens
when you reach
the top of
your imagined
dreamed about
wished for
staircase?
what do you feel
as you stand upon
the upper mezzanine
and gaze out
upon the turquoise
calm waters
of your life
knowing
the upwellings
of your past
have permanently
left?
as you think about
all your children
grandchildren
friends
and family
and see their smiles
feel their happiness
embrace they are living
a joyful life
not needing you
in any particular way
right now
accept
and occasional phone call,
an emptiness
opens up
inside you
and you feel
the happiest of sad…

it is a monday
the sun is shinning
it is warm out
the boys have found their
usual perch and gone back
to sleep
d is at work
the house is clean
dinner is in the crock pot
and i have 45 minutes
to just me…

i am numb

for the first time
ever in my 55 years
i feel completely at peace…
i have an inner calm
as the crazy visiting drivers
quickly pull in front of me
stop on a moments notice
don’t use a turn signal
as i wait in long lines at Publix
sit in traffic…
i am inside
zen,
baby!
my soft music plays
i breathe in slowly
have multiple conversations
with God
and have embraced
the lackadaisical
leisurely
turtle drive
i tease my d about…

two days ago
i felt myself
one arm hanging
from a jagged precipice
in fear of falling
and was a
unsettled
weeping
mess…
i was alone in my studio
preparing for
what i thought would be
an awesome morning
of creating with
a bunch of people
who had rsvp’d
to paint and create
when my messages beeped
my phone rang
and i was
accepting this
uncontrollable fact
they all
in some way
had this horrible
grunge
that is going around
and would not
be there…
i thought i was ok
with it,
i felt good
i stenciled fabrics
organized a few things
went to the gym
and when i arrived home
BAM!

why did i feel like a failure?
why did i feel down?
why did i overthink the
rest of 2018
assuring myself
this
was
it,
Bali Studios
was over?
why did i curl up
in a ball
in a corner
and cry?

geeeeeeeeez!

because i am human
i was let down
and reality
can be brutal
until
a sweet, beautiful
artistic soul
messages me
a few hours later
with,
‘are you ok?
i felt as if you are not…’

WOWZA

she
knew.
just like she always knew
when she lived here
because we
were connected
one messy artsy soul
to another.
a friendship
like this is rare
for me,
as i have only
had
2 other women
in my life
i have found this
true connection with…

after exchanging
random texts for a few
hours,
as her wifi is always iffy
my phone blows
up with a multitude
of silly gifs
and soon
i am
laugh~crying
my way back to
happiness
and the
knowing
i am blessed
and this
downward spiral
i felt
after saturday morning
was just a
tiny bump…
soon,
i was poolside
finger painting
fabrics
filled with a
myriad of
new ideas
and the
artsy fartsy
midwestern chick
was back…

i have a new
nautilus to build
with faith
still as my center
but the rest of
the chambers
get to be filled
up with my wishes
hopes
and dreams~

not
someone
else’s!

and
for
the first time
in my entire life
i
was
sailing
on
a flat
sparkling
ocean
gentle wind
at my back
looking at
all the beautiful
coves of options
which now lay
before me…
i have no
pressure
to do
to
perform
no lists
or tasks
at hand
just
the simple
gift
of a loving
husband
and family
and the
100%
acceptance
that
it’s
OK
to now,
finally take
some
sheri
time…

am i down and out?
gone from the spectrum
of life?
disappearing?
closing?

NOPE

i am simply
taking the time
to find
me,
to open up
all of who i am
and dream to be
by allowing
the natural ebb and flow
of aging
to guide me
in this crazy world
of social media
“look at me
i am better
and i can do what
you do”
world…

how do i start?
by
loving
myself
first…

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