continuing the truth at nautilus teachings

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we love
in the best way we can
we take our childhood-
the way we were parented
the images we saw-
we take all the unworthy feelings
we built up
and when we find someone
to love and to marry
we center our lives
around this
build our own fairy tale
and never even realize
that boundaries
restrictions
control
rules
only silence those we love
even more
we are to be there safe place
we are to be the one person
they can reveal all their truths too…
but instead we sometimes
take our imperfect and hurtful past
and create a life we think we can deal with
never realizing
until we live our own truths
and love ourselves for who we are,
we cannot possibly love another
flaws and all…
on that very day
his words
broke open HER cage door,
not his…
she was the one sent
tumbling down the
red wooden steps
landing inside
her huge box of shame
never before had she realized
that unless she built
a new infrastructure
rooted in her faith
and began to forgive
to accept and heal
she could and would
never love again…
she needed to find
her wings…
she could no longer
carry the burden of him.
he had to deal with himself
just as she was going to
so she watched
as he spiraled down, down, down
into his own world
of shame
while she
tore apart
her old life
and began to build a new life
with their children
away from him…

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she knew what they had heard
what they had witnessed
how could she have allowed this
was she really so lost
and lonely
so blind that
she never saw
the falsity?
accepted the many
masks he wore?
how many times
had he made her feel worthless,
screamed at her,
held a knife to her,
threatened her
only to weep at her feet
the next day
filled with apologies –
granting him forgiveness
and allowing him to
continue to live
within her caged heart…
in an odd way,
she was addicted to pain-
she came from a world of it
lived 28 years before him
filled to the brim with hurt…
his was just rose colored
for in his softness
he loved her…
she just had no idea
how twisted up he was inside
had she known
all those years ago
she would have walked away-
no ran far away…
but she believed his lies
and now, all these years later
she realized every picture
every memory
was a lie…
she had to break open
give it all to God
and either begin the mending
of so many tattered holes
or grab a blank canvas
and start from scratch…
she chose the later
realizing
what she could not do
at this time was
to help him…
she would mother
the best she could
provide a stable home
food, clothing, love
but that was all…
she did not know who she was
so how could she possibly
teach them anything?
for once in her life
she must come first….

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