do rejected people reject at nautilus teachings

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    it is 4:30 on
a sunday afternoon.
d, strolls in
to give me a kiss
and let me know
he is hitting the hot tub
i am listening to my
weekly online
bible study
which is currently led by
Louis Giglio,
author of
Goliath must fall…
no sooner has d left
when Louis’s words ring out

”rejected people reject
while loved people love…”

i feel my heart
cease
it’s beat
take a long sip
of my cold water
and well up in tears…
OMG
is this my dad?
i know his father
was controlling
and cold,
i know his mother
died when he was 10…
hmmm
10 was the same age i was
when my own mother told me
she was going to die young…
my father is almost wordless.
i say this because
as his 55 year old daughter
i can count on one hand
the conversations we have had
that had any meaning at all…
did my father feel rejected?
did he feel unloved?
is this why
my entire life
he seemed so untouchable
unapproachable
unloveable????
if rejected people
do reject
then
this description fits him to a tee
and if loved people love,
well,
that is my mom,
so no wonder
she found him
held him close
called him her
‘knight in shinning armor’
and never left him…
i understand totally
the feeling of being
an outcast
i never
EVER
felt i belonged
in my own family
and had i not looked
just like my mom
i probably would have believed
my daily taunting
of ‘no one loves you, you are adopted…’


but my dad…
well,
i just think
he honestly
did not know how to love
and my mom
made up for that.
his voice
when heard,
was soft and slow
rarely was it raised
unless he was super mad
which was only when
he felt betrayed
hurt
or not consulted
and in those times
the rafters shook,
yes,
but
he was quick
like a tornado
leaving you
breathless
speechless
lying flat…
if the rejected, reject
and the loved, love,

do fearful raise fear
do the addicted raise addicts
the angered raise angry

how in the world
can we possibly be human
if we cannot express
normal
every day
emotions?
what do we do
if we were
raised by people
who were not whole themselves
and for that matter
is any
one
person
really
flawless?
i know people who swear
their upbringing was perfect
that they had no struggles
no pain
and maybe this is true,
however;
i know a few
“perfectly raised individuals”
who lack common sense
kindness
not to mention
forgiveness…

we are all damaged
all hopefully working
on the inside of us
to heal
to let the world see-
US!
my bible study asks
the question,
what is your biggest
‘Goliath?’
what is holding you back?
getting in your way?
eating you alive?
which brings me full circle to his quote

”rejected people reject
while loved people love…”

i always felt my biggest Goliath
was
shame
until today
when i realized
i truly had nothing
ever
to be ashamed of
i felt hurt,
ignored
unimportant…
so,
if my father felt rejected
and this statement holds truth
then i too
was rejected?
yes!
i did feel like an outcast
and it was words
and accusations
that made me feel ashamed
of myself
even though
i truly had nothing to be ashamed of…
this is why
i
love
GROWTH!
why i believe we never should stop
growing and learning…

i love my dad.

what i have learned
over time is that
he just did the best he could,
and really
aren’t we all?!
letting ourselves
be flawed humans
is so breathtakingly beautiful…
every year i am gifted
to have my father alive
i accept more and more
of life’s truths
and i have begun to understand
he is exactly
as my mother said
to me my whole life…
“sher, your dad was born broken,
but even the broken deserve to be loved…”
she was raised loved
she was love
which makes me
a nice blend-
a dark roasted strong coffee
with some steamed milk
swirled in…
i am just
like everyone else
walking around
living our tiny lives…
it is also why,
with faith as my center
forgiveness and gratitude
are a piece of cake-
and after all, cake pairs
very well with coffee!