Envy at Nautilus teachings

healing is a  journey
healing is a journey

Envy
For me wanting to be someone
anything
or anyone
at all when i was young
Meant
Envy
And this was a sin
Sure I would dream of being prettier
Smarter, more talented
I had dreams over and over
Where I did not stutter
And they were lovely..
Dreams of brothers who wanted to be with me
Of a father who would lead us in campfire songs
And a mother who could save the whole world from hunger
Envy
I learned to accept my limitations
My punishments
My truths
And the bandage around my lips
Grew weeds
Not having a voice in the world
Lead me to coloring my way out
Envy
The brilliant hues reflected my feelings
And black lines around each shape-
their own bondage from escape
I held tight to the one “talent” I had-
creating beauty on paper
Soon that faded
And I was lost in trying to keep up with everyone
Envy
Why couldn’t I stay focused like my friends
Where was my passion
I sat in corners cradling my baby dolls ‘til I was 14
From their I found my way to the kitchen
Began baking and watching the world just fly by outside

i never fit
i never fit

Envy
I saw girls who could speak, teach, twirl…
I did all that too-only it was inside my head
I wanted to try out for cheerleading
and he said,
“you will look stupid”
I wanted to compete in art shows
and he said,
“you aren’t good enough”
I wanted to submit my writings for publications
and he said
“who would read this stuff”…
i had no self confidence,
no self esteem or self worth
inside I was bursting to run away
then one day
i met this really neat guy
and i told him my story
expecting him to run
i was just so broken
yet
he still loved me..
we married.
he believed in me.
he gave me my studio.
let me be free
to let go of whatever i wanted
he just
accepted my truths
and loved me anyway…
ENVY
it began to slip away…
Now I needed
to find my voice
to release
accept
forgive
Envy
I tore off the bandages of my soul
I began unfurling
My words took flight
My story unfolded
upon canvas
Love grew
My sails were full
and i began to teach

IMG_4724
ENVY
dropped completely away
like a layer of old skin
i began wearing
my colors
in my words
thoughts
cooking
classes
every part of my life
became
a brilliant
hue
each one of them
reflecting
the inside of me
which was faith
i wore it on the outside now
i took that daring leap
and lived true
ENVY
not a word i use
nor emulate
anymore…
for now,
i am only
an original
introverted
artist
author
who
loves
her life
and is blessed
with a man
who
gets her