fathers day at nautilus teachings

here it is,
fathers day
why do we have to
celebrate them
every year?
for most of you
it’s a time of smiles
grilling out
and being loved
by the man
you get to call
dad, pop, father, papa, daddy…
and then
there are those of us
who would like
to choose it as
a skip day,
the black sunday
of our year…
then i breathe in
heave a huge sigh
close my eyes
glance out the window
tap the keyboard
take a second deeper breath
and think
this year
i too
will celebrate fathers
accept the one
who lives in…
and the one
who was…
and how about
the crazy one who…
or the selfish one who…
oh, and let’s not
forget the ones in…
not to mention
the loud talking
hand swinging
self esteem breaking
bastards who…
ok ok ok.
probably the same
can be said about
a ton of moms out there too
and i know there are many of you
who feel this way
about her
and choose to
X out that day on
your own calendar…
so what does this tell me?
fake it until you make it…

it has taken me
my entire life
to accept the fact
that my father
could not ever be
who i needed him to be
and that he never will…
so it is time for me
to just ‘grow the fuck up’
as d would say
and accept my dad
as the man my mother loved
who provided for us
the best he could
in every way.
back in the 50’s and 60’s
people rarely divorced
most of the bad stuff
was swept under the table
there was no self help guru
or yoga studio
on every corner
google as well as the internet
was nonexistent
if you were not home
you missed phone calls
tv was channel 2, 5, 7, 9 and 11
kids entertained themselves
family dinners were every sunday
bedtime was at dark
walking was the norm
and God forbid you actually
talked about your feelings
and the other person listened…
but this sunday is about
dads everywhere
no matter what
type of father they were
or are today…
i have three kids
from two different men…
will they talk to their bio dads?
only one of them.
will they send cards to them?
none of them…
what they will do is call up
my d
who entered their lives
only 12 years ago
they will wrap him in hugs
wish him happy fathers day
and mean it
because d has their back
and they know this…
he listens
and loves them,

this for me is what a father does
and unfortunately
mine could never
and will never do be able to do this…
this is Fathers Day weekend
this is a time to celebrate
your fathers, grandfathers, uncles,
brothers, mentors…
any man who has had a positive
impact upon your life…
but what do the rest of us do?
do we mail cards?
call them up?
continue to fake it?
genetically i am connected
to my dad
and my brothers
we have a chronological history
of events which authenticates
the actual truth
as 4 siblings agree
our dad was cold,
and unable to communicate
in any way
with us.
it’s who he is
and will always be…
our mother encouraged us
to love the ‘broken’
making sure we understood
our dad was one of them
and he needed love too…
so i will send him a card,
write him a nice note
give him a call
tell him i love him…
i will once more block out
the fact he was absent as a father,
i will forget that he could not meet
my emotional needs as his daughter,
silencing the forever echoed words,
‘when are you going to get a real job’
‘what is wrong with your kids,
they never call me…’
i will clip from memory
the times i was witness to him
verbally bashing my mom
making her feel small…
instead i will pay homage to
our mother
who saw him as her
knight in shining armor
who held her hand
made her laugh
and gave me
to her.
without him
so happy fathers day,
may God open your eyes
allowing you to see
not 1 or 2 or 3,
but 4 children
who desperately
just need you
to hug them close
tell them you love them,
are proud of them
and maybe
ask forgiveness…
we have all forgiven you,
regardless, dad
but sometimes
a few words
can heal
a deep cavern
just by being spoken…