filling up the spaces at nautilus teachings

parts of our lives
are spent
filling up the spaces…
the empty moments
wondering
can i still breath
is this really true
did that happen
how can i make it through
where do i start…
we gaze through the cracks
seeking memories
we scroll back through
old texts, voice messages,
search emails
hanging on to tiny threads
scattered pieces
as the ticking of the clock slows
we find some breathing space
pause
allowing our soul to rest
we tap our feet
rub our hands together
close our eyes
sit in stillness
trying to find scraps
tiny segments to feed us
assuring our heart,
we will be ok…
we begin by learning
to do for ourselves
while our moms
cook, clean, pick up the house…
we crawl and walk around
playing with toys
drawing with crayons
picking on our siblings
we fill it all up
until she appears
smiling, happy
ready to change us,
feed us
hold, sing and talk to us.
from the very beginning
we are taught
life may have blank pages
but everywhere we turn
their is another color
to fill it up,
or, if we wish
we can choose
to sing a song
look up at the clouds
lay in the grass
listen to the wind
just be an observer…
what do you fill up those
moments with?


as we grow
we have choices
do we release it through
exercise
work
booze
drugs?
do we retreat inside ourselves
spending to many hours
alone
crying
filled of sadness?
or are you like rubber
things bouncing off of you
able to paint on a smile
and just move through it?
maybe your are a procrastinator
piling everything up
in the corners of your mind
until one day
you just break open
unable to handle the deluge
landing you
in a deep depression
needing medication
to even cope?
we all have them…
you get the call,
“……has passed away…”
your boss pulls you aside,
“i’m sorry but we are downsizing…”
the mail arrives with the reality
you cannot afford your lifestyle,
the doctor tells you,
“the tests came back,
unfortunately you have…”
at all these blows
against our day to day routine
tell us
we need a coping mechanism.
for me,
i go silent.
i retreat.
i may stretch out a long canvas
and throw paint at it
while i cry
listening to the dixie chicks on full blast
sometimes
i grab my computer
and write until i have nothing
left inside…
cooking is another way i
let the slow ticking of time pass
i can immerse myself in
flavors, colors and scents.
when i was young
i would hide in closets
underneath the grape vines
behind the big oak trees
i would just get lost.
and really,
isn’t that what we need
in those resting spaces
while we are breathing in
the unexpected truth before us,
to just
disappear?


the trending phrase for all of this
is, “what’s in your tool box?”
you can take online classes
read many self help books
even install apps
all of them with the same idea
to help you
cope!
there is no magical way to heal.
when tragedy strikes
leaving you feeling depleted
sucking out your air
blowing up your heart
leaving you broken
sobbing
in so much pain
you think,
“will it ever end?”
the only answer is time.
let your self be sad.
cry, scream, pound your
fists against the way
run till you cannot
take one more step…
if you allow it to just bounce off
you will one day find it come
flinging back at you
unexpectedly like
a boomerang
catching you so off guard
you won’t even know
what hit you…
if you bury it deep inside
not allowing truths to surface
you may become bitter
angry
taking out your frustrations
on those you love
hurting them
in ways you never imagined…
life is here
it’s short
every day is a gift
so point your beautiful smile upward
feel the grace, light and love of God
knowing
in those
empty moments
through faith
you
can
do
it!