finding safety at nautilus teachings

what does it take to
make you feel safe
taken care of?
is this something
you provide for yourself
not relying on anyone
else to do it
or do you
accept it freely
from your spouse?
most of us know
we can take care
of ourselves
we don’t need
another person
to make us whole
but when you find one
it is such a gift…
let me tell you a quick story-
it’s the 60’s
a time of free love
peace makers
life is simple
moms are usually found
in the home
taking care of the
cleaning, cooking, ironing
dads in general are the
head of the household
and money makers
people walk safely
to school
the park
bike riding
is done by all ages
family dinners are common
with aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins
on a weekly basis
for the most part
you feel safe
in this big world
you can hide in closets
behind huge oak trees
under the grape vines
even under the bed-
you just know how
and where to go
if you feel threatened…
as you grow
you learn to drive
so this becomes
your safe zone
grab the keys
hop in the car
blast the radio
and drive
like a bat out of hell
the whole time
you are safe now
but when you return
what will you do?

so you plan escape routes
pack a small suitcase
with clothes, food and money
sleep with your window unlocked
screen out
so you can bolt
at first threat.
you go through life
looking over your shoulder
until you fall in love.
then you feel safe?
do you?
and why does it take love
to secure
and guard you?
had you never felt love before?
maybe not this kind of love
but you were loved…
you have babies
and once more begin
your get away bag
only this time
there are 4 duffels instead of one
because no way
are you leaving your kids.
time passes
you look at the bags
which hold their clothes
from 3 years ago
the money you stashed
had to be used
for rides home
from being left somewhere
impromptu movie nights
to get the kids away
from his anger
every time you turned around
you needed another 20$
to fix something
help someone
buy food…
more years pass
the kids are growing up
you wake up
and say to yourself,
‘i am done…’
so you change the locks on the doors
change everyones cell phone numbers
call an attorney
and prepare to leave
for it is in the leaving
that you truly begin
to feel strength
and safety…

you begin to grow
out of needing stuff
and into wanting
a small safe place
to call home
for you and your kids.
you do this
life is good
you are smiling
providing for yourself
then your car breaks down
the ac quits working
the kids need school supplies
and your credit card bill
is doubling…
you make a new plan
start hitting the thrift stores
cutting back on any extras
begin paying off your debt
and finally
life is balancing…
you are all happy
life is finally GOOD.
then he enters.
this guy.
he steals your heart
and you hate that
you hate men
don’t want to be attached
he’s by no means wealthy
but he is kind, loving,
funny, a great job
loves your kids
and you…
you marry
and he provides
new cars
a home
but really it’s more than that
for the first time
you are not stashing cash
wondering if your car
can make it to work
if you can afford christmas
let alone a vacation of
any kind
because your needs are met…
there is something to be said
about a couple
working together
in tandem
each providing different comforts
it’s what makes a marriage work-
the understanding
you are connected
in every tiny way.
for me this is what d does.
he took away all my worry
of ever needing anything
wrapped me up in his love
securing in my heart
the knowledge
i am safe…
this is what i wish for you.
one person
who just lets you melt down
when needed
listens to your stories
laughs with you
holds you
and always says,
‘baby, i got your back…’
what does it take to
make you feel safe
taken care of?
for me
and the knowing
d will always be
waiting for me
when i get home…